We made the decision to stop taking birth control while sitting in a booth at In-N-Out. Jk and I had been married for one year. I was a college graduate, working full-time (at a job I wasn’t crazy about). Jk had a few more semesters and was working part-time. I had one more pack of birth control pills and life was going well.
Months went by with only one glimmer of hope, followed immediately by a letdown. I was struggling to stay positive while stress came at me from every angle. I was on the cusp of quitting my job; a friend I had once been close to passed away; and it seemed like everyone around me was either announcing pregnancies or having babies. There were nights when I would cry into my pillow and pray for hours, but there were plenty of times that I avoided prayer. I thought, Heavenly Father knows my deepest desires and if He wants to ignore those, I have nothing else to ask Him. I was aware that things weren’t happening quickly for us, but I tried to remember what Google said: 6 months to 1 year.
For months, I only confided in my husband and my best friend. I didn’t have many words to explain what I was going through. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was worried that if I expressed myself to others, I wouldn’t be taken seriously. I didn’t want to hear that we were too young or hadn’t been married long enough. Most of all, I did not want anyone telling me that we hadn’t been trying THAT long. I had legitimate fears about our future and the possibility that I would never be able to get pregnant. I didn't need “practical” advice. For this reason, I put off seeing a doctor (I’m still working up the courage to write about that).
When we hit the year mark, I actually felt more relief than despair. The situation I had been struggling with for so long was finally a "problem" that even Google could acknowledge. I reached the point where I felt like I could open up.
As I have shared our trials and anxieties, I have received a variety of responses. Among them, I have felt silly, discouraged, and belittled. But mostly, I have felt a lot of love. Friends, family, and strangers sharing experiences, articles, and advice. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I never knew that I was searching for a community until I found it. And if you are reading this and are experiencing infertility, please consider contacting me. This kind of heartache requires a friend.
While we continue to struggle, I have to give credit to my Heavenly Father. I have had several gentle reminders that He is aware of me. Despite our struggles, we are beyond grateful for the blessings He has given us. Because of Him, I have felt strength beyond my own. Through it all, I am discovering the person that He wants me to be.