This week, I started using the Clearblue Digital OvulationTest with the specific purpose of finding out if I am ovulating. Basically, ovulation means that it is prime time to get pregnant; and if you’re not ovulating, there’s no way that’s going to happen. According to the reproductive doctor we met with (more on that later), one easy step toward finding answers is to buy a kit and take the tests. No matter what the results are, we should be able to rule certain things out. Yay to finding answers!
Taking an ovulation test is the same process as taking a pregnancy test. Pee on a stick, wait a few minutes, and read the indicator. I am reminded of the first and only time I thought that I was pregnant.
We had been off birth control for a few months and friends all around me were announcing pregnancies. I was a few days late for my period and I wanted to wait a few more days but...When I was so nervous I couldn’t function anymore, I decided to buy a pregnancy test (without telling Jk). I went to Target and spent way too long walking around, but not actually through, the aisle with the tests. I felt so self-conscious and it seemed like every teenage boy in the store was watching me. I briefly ventured down the aisle I had come in for and hastily chose the first box that I saw with a coupon attached. I booked it to the checkout lines. It was then that I realized I would have to hand a pregnancy test coupon to a stranger. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this trip took nearly an hour from start to finish. Pacing through the produce section, shaking from nerves, I mustered up the courage to just buy the stinking box of pregnancy tests. Eventually I chose a self-checkout line, only to have a teenage boy store clerk assist me. I completely forgot to use the coupon.
The end of the story seems obvious, considering that I am not and have never been pregnant. I took the test, immediately got a Negative, and started my period the next day. I was too embarrassed to ever tell Jk about that experience. In fact, reading this post will be his first time even knowing what happened that day!
After that, I decided it would be worth it for me to practice patience and give things more time before jumping to conclusions. Of course I felt silly for making a big deal out of nothing, but looking back, I think I felt more disappointed that it had even taken so long to have a "pregnancy scare". It felt like anyone who wanted to conceive could make it happen instantly. Even newlyweds and couples who weren't "trying" were making pregnancy announcements. Meanwhile, here I was, hiding my spare pregnancy test in a shoebox in the closet.
I've gone through every stage of grief and back during the past year. Nearly every day, I think about our situation and my feelings fluctuate. Part of me embraces this ovulation-test-taking road we've started down. Another part of me hopes that someday I get a chance to redeem myself while buying a pregnancy test at Target.