Skip to main content

Infertility Amongst Pregnancy Announcements

We had a number of significant things happen this week. First and foremost, my super smart husband was admitted into the MS Computer Engineering program at ASU for Fall 2017! Arizona State University in Tempe has been his first choice for a while now and I knew that he would get in! He is a hard worker and I am proud of him! There is still so much that we have to plan, but we are really excited. It looks like we will be moving to Arizona around August!
In other news, I’ve lost count of the number of Valentine’s Day baby announcements and I feel an obligation to disclose that we are NOT pregnant. It is this social media surge that has inspired me to write about my experience with infertility amongst pregnancy announcements. I hope that by sharing my feelings candidly and honestly, my thoughts won’t be offensive.

I woke up on Tuesday morning and as per my usual bad habit, I looked at Facebook. I’d been so distracted with fertility tests that I barely had time to think about the holiday. As I opened my browser, I did not expect to see a flood of pregnancy announcements. But there they were.

Friends from the past; best friends; work friendsso many friends expecting babies! A huge part of my heart was overjoyed! But a teeny tiny part of my heart felt heavy. I pushed the hard feelings deep down and focused on all of my reasons to be happy. I have a valentine who brings me flowers and pizza rolls! My friends are announcing great news! Life is good! Like a mantra, I repeated these things to myself over and over. And yet before 8 AM, I broke down crying.
At work, I was relieved to spend the morning alone processing my thoughts. Every part of me knows that there is no use in comparing my life to someone else’s. But when it comes to babies, logic goes out the window and my emotions take over. Entitled thoughts came flying in, “Why does everyone else get a baby? No fair! When is it my turn?” I searched Instagram hashtags about infertility support; I continued to repeat my mantra; but I still felt like garbage and I didn’t know how to feel better.

Midday, the thought occurred to me: Forget yourself and serve someone else. My brother came to mind, my wonderful hilarious brother who lives just a few blocks away. I wanted to do something special to help him feel loved on a holiday that can be hard for some (myself included). I talked with my husband and we decided to “heart attack” my brother before he got home from work. That tiny part of my heart continued to ache, but it was overshadowed by my excitement to serve.
Most days, I remember that I have a valentine who loves me enough to bring me flowers and pizza rolls. But some days, I want to push pause on every other pregnancy announcement. Some days, all I want is to hold a baby who is our own. It is those days when I am feeling impatient and imperfect that I need to remember to forget myself and serve someone else.

What advice do you have for staying positive?


Popular posts from this blog

Getting an Answer!

For 400+ days, my husband and I had no idea why we couldn’t get pregnant. This week, we got our answer!

We were scheduled for an appointment with the fertility doctor in the late afternoon on Monday. All throughout the morning, my chest was filled with excitement and anticipation. This was the appointment when we would hear the results from our tests and we would make a plan for how to move forward! In my mind, I ran through every possible outcome—a problem with me; with Jk; with both of us; with neither. More than anything, I just wanted clear answers!
The weather and roads were really bad that day, so our doctor was running a little late with his appointments. Jk and I sat in the waiting room for nearly 30 minutes, going half crazy. Finally, we were taken back to speak with the doctor. I tried to gauge what kind of news he had for us, but his handshake wasn’t giving anything away.  Finally (FINALLY!), we received our test results... It turns out that I’m a Fertile Myrtle! All this …

Expecting to Be Expecting

I’ve written and re-written this post so many times, I’m out of clever comparisons and easy ways to explain what we’re going through. So I’ll just say it.
In December 2015, Jk and I stopped taking birth control. After a year of expecting to be expecting, we’re not even close. We’ve confided in very few friends and family members up to this point, but lately I’ve realized that something therapeutic happens inside when you let a secret out.
While sitting in church on Sunday, I had a revelation. It should have occurred to me sooner but I definitely wasn’t ready for it. This is the thought I had… Make this process of starting a family as fun as possible! It won’t be the way I had previously imagined. Taking a pregnancy test, surprising Jk, finding out the gender, having a baby. But when have we ever been traditional?
For this reason, I’ve decided to share our journey openly and honestly. It will be hard—it already has been—but I want to document it all. Doctors’ appointments, medical tes…

A Surprise Call from the Fertility Doctor

Most days, I do okay. But some days I'm just over this infertility thing. For a few months now, we have shared our ups and downs and it wasn’t until recently that I ran out of words. Two weeks ago, we received a phone call and then a letter confirming that our insurance provider would not pay for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I took the news, swallowed it, and let it break my heart. I get that we were put on this earth to grow and all, but lately my prayers have been a little like: Thanks but no thanks, Heavenly Father. I think I’m good on the growing thing.

Today He responded, Nope, and sent another bump in the road.

I was sitting at work when my cell phone started vibrating and my caller ID read, Reproductive Care Center. It’s been a few weeks since we talked with our fertility clinic; I just assumed that because our plan fell through, there was nothing else to follow-up on. Curious, I answered the phone and expected to hear the voice of a nurse or receptionist. Instead, I sp…