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Deciding Whether or Not to Take the Pregnancy Test

Every month, it is clear that I am not pregnant. The sign comes as expectedon time and no room for interpretation. But every now and then, it is slow to come, throwing a wrench in things. This is when infertility is especially difficult for me… when I need to decide whether or not to take a pregnancy test.

I know that the odds of getting pregnant are extremely low. I also know that it is possible for us to get pregnant. These two polar opposite truths gnaw at me, telling me that there is hope but only the tiniest bit.

In January, I wrote a blog post about the first pregnancy test that I took. After getting a negative result, I made the definitive decision to forget about tests and wait for the obvious sign that will inevitably come. It is logical and effective to just wait it out. Still, every time there’s the possibility of pregnancy, the thought runs through my head, “To test or not to test…”
There have only been two or three times in the last year and a half that I have been expecting a sign that has not come right away. Recently, I went five days in the dark. Against my better judgement, I began to daydream that my miracle had finally come. I reserved half of my heart for disappointment; but the other half, I let beat fiercely and unrealistically and beautifully.

I imagined how I might cleverly surprise my husband. I fantasized what it might be like to feel my belly swell, stretching beyond my jeans. I thought of a hospital scene straight out of Friends. I barely let myself dream of holding a little one that was all ours.

On the fourth day of darkness, I began to pray and plead for Heavenly Father to give me a sign. To be honest, I’m struggling with prayers these days. What is the point in praying for something if it isn’t God’s plan to give it to you? Maybe it is faith-promoting after your prayers have been answered. In the meantime, it’s exhausting. What happens if your prayer is never answered? Then what?

It was both torture and a tender mercy when God gave me a sign. No pregnancy test needed.

Comments


  1. Believe it or not, I know how you feel! I'm glad we're friends and you guys are moving to AZ. Text me if you ever need to talk!

    ReplyDelete

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