I Can't Put My Life on Hold for Infertility

This morning I realized that I’ve been silent on the blog for almost a month. Since the unexpected call from our fertility doctor, we’ve taken just as many steps forward as we have back. Mostly we’ve been in limbo (and it’s hard to send a postcard from limbo). We’re not sure yet what’s next—everything could change or it could all stay the same. The great paradox of infertility is that you can always expect uncertainty. The challenge comes in stepping away and finding other things to occupy your mind. 

In January, after long months of waiting to reach the year mark of infertility, I decided that I needed to get involved with activities that didn’t include worrying. In fact, I wanted to fill my schedule with all things stress-free! Fun, relaxing, life-enriching activities. Anxiety was inevitable; grief was unavoidable. I knew that I needed to counter-balance darkness with light. And so came Yoga, Pilates, and the temple. 

As a university employee, I took advantage of free tuition and enrolled in two student activities classes. I dusted off my Yoga mat, bought some stretchy pants, and gave my husband the googly eyes. Together, we committed 4 nights a week to improving our health. It didn’t take long to feel the effects (i.e. the amazing double-edged sword of sore muscles!). Taking just an hour each day to concentrate on my mind, body, and spirit was the best stress relief. It’s hard to feel anxious when all of your energy is focused on relaxation, centering, and breathing. It was also really fun to see my husband roll around on a giant exercise ball!

In addition to physical health, I knew that I needed to do something to strengthen myself spiritually. It’s not that I stopped praying or studying my scriptures, but I was finding it hard to focus on my blessings when my misfortunes were so apparent. Months of waiting on insurance and test results put a weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t lift alone. I talked to my bishop about volunteering to be a temple worker and shortly after, I started in the Provo City Center Temple. Every Friday night, I spent hours interacting with people in every stage of life, sharing the Spirit of the temple. Serving in the temple is a huge sacrifice of time and energy, but at the end of every shift, I felt the Savior give me enough strength to carry my burdens another week. 

With all of that said, I still thought about our infertility every day. No matter how many hobbies I pick up or ways that I find to improve myself, babies will continue to be in the back of my mind. We are still waiting to hear back from the fertility clinic about whether or not our insurance company changed their minds. Their decision 1) could lead straight to IVF or 2) could defer us another few months before we reevaluate a new plan for our family. It is driving me crazy not knowing what comes next, but worrying won't bring answers. I can’t put my life on hold for infertility.