Skip to main content

I Can't Put My Life on Hold for Infertility

This morning I realized that I’ve been silent on the blog for almost a month. Since the unexpected call from our fertility doctor, we’ve taken just as many steps forward as we have back. Mostly we’ve been in limbo (and it’s hard to send a postcard from limbo). We’re not sure yet what’s nexteverything could change or it could all stay the same. The great paradox of infertility is that you can always expect uncertainty. The challenge comes in stepping away and finding other things to occupy your mind. 

In January, after long months of waiting to reach the year mark of infertility, I decided that I needed to get involved with activities that didn’t include worrying. In fact, I wanted to fill my schedule with all things stress-free! Fun, relaxing, life-enriching activities. Anxiety was inevitable; grief was unavoidable. I knew that I needed to counter-balance darkness with light. And so came Yoga, Pilates, and the temple. 

As a university employee, I took advantage of free tuition and enrolled in two student activities classes. I dusted off my Yoga mat, bought some stretchy pants, and gave my husband the googly eyes. Together, we committed 4 nights a week to improving our health. It didn’t take long to feel the effects (i.e. the amazing double-edged sword of sore muscles!). Taking just an hour each day to concentrate on my mind, body, and spirit was the best stress relief. It’s hard to feel anxious when all of your energy is focused on relaxation, centering, and breathing. It was also really fun to see my husband roll around on a giant exercise ball!
In addition to physical health, I knew that I needed to do something to strengthen myself spiritually. It’s not that I stopped praying or studying my scriptures, but I was finding it hard to focus on my blessings when my misfortunes were so apparent. Months of waiting on insurance and test results put a weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t lift alone. I talked to my bishop about volunteering to be a temple worker and shortly after, I started in the Provo City Center Temple. Every Friday night, I spent hours interacting with people in every stage of life, sharing the Spirit of the temple. Serving in the temple is a huge sacrifice of time and energy, but at the end of every shift, I felt the Savior give me enough strength to carry my burdens another week. 

With all of that said, I still thought about our infertility every day. No matter how many hobbies I pick up or ways that I find to improve myself, babies will continue to be in the back of my mind. We are still waiting to hear back from the fertility clinic about whether or not our insurance company changed their minds. Their decision 1) could lead straight to IVF or 2) could defer us another few months before we reevaluate a new plan for our family. It is driving me crazy not knowing what comes next, but worrying won't bring answers. I can’t put my life on hold for infertility.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Getting an Answer!

For 400+ days, my husband and I had no idea why we couldn’t get pregnant. This week, we got our answer!

We were scheduled for an appointment with the fertility doctor in the late afternoon on Monday. All throughout the morning, my chest was filled with excitement and anticipation. This was the appointment when we would hear the results from our tests and we would make a plan for how to move forward! In my mind, I ran through every possible outcome—a problem with me; with Jk; with both of us; with neither. More than anything, I just wanted clear answers!
The weather and roads were really bad that day, so our doctor was running a little late with his appointments. Jk and I sat in the waiting room for nearly 30 minutes, going half crazy. Finally, we were taken back to speak with the doctor. I tried to gauge what kind of news he had for us, but his handshake wasn’t giving anything away.  Finally (FINALLY!), we received our test results... It turns out that I’m a Fertile Myrtle! All this …

Expecting to Be Expecting

I’ve written and re-written this post so many times, I’m out of clever comparisons and easy ways to explain what we’re going through. So I’ll just say it.
In December 2015, Jk and I stopped taking birth control. After a year of expecting to be expecting, we’re not even close. We’ve confided in very few friends and family members up to this point, but lately I’ve realized that something therapeutic happens inside when you let a secret out.
While sitting in church on Sunday, I had a revelation. It should have occurred to me sooner but I definitely wasn’t ready for it. This is the thought I had… Make this process of starting a family as fun as possible! It won’t be the way I had previously imagined. Taking a pregnancy test, surprising Jk, finding out the gender, having a baby. But when have we ever been traditional?
For this reason, I’ve decided to share our journey openly and honestly. It will be hard—it already has been—but I want to document it all. Doctors’ appointments, medical tes…

A Surprise Call from the Fertility Doctor

Most days, I do okay. But some days I'm just over this infertility thing. For a few months now, we have shared our ups and downs and it wasn’t until recently that I ran out of words. Two weeks ago, we received a phone call and then a letter confirming that our insurance provider would not pay for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I took the news, swallowed it, and let it break my heart. I get that we were put on this earth to grow and all, but lately my prayers have been a little like: Thanks but no thanks, Heavenly Father. I think I’m good on the growing thing.

Today He responded, Nope, and sent another bump in the road.

I was sitting at work when my cell phone started vibrating and my caller ID read, Reproductive Care Center. It’s been a few weeks since we talked with our fertility clinic; I just assumed that because our plan fell through, there was nothing else to follow-up on. Curious, I answered the phone and expected to hear the voice of a nurse or receptionist. Instead, I sp…