Happy, Even When I’m Sad

One year ago, I cried constantly. 6 months ago, I felt even worse. I wondered if overwhelming sadness would be my new norm, like a shadow I couldn’t shake. Fast forward to today: I am so happy that I could burst. It’s still just my husband and I—and after two years of trying, we have no babies to show for it. So why am I so happy, even when I’m sad?
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1. After meeting with a fertility doctor last year, we were under the impression that there were problems going on with Jk’s body that no one could explain and we certainly could not reverse. We took that evaluation and accepted it—until recently.

After moving to Arizona, we decided to look more into Jk’s situation just to be sure that apart from infertility, his health wasn’t at risk. And I’m so glad we did!

Jk recently came home from the urologist (male fertility specialist) and had some new information to share! Jk was diagnosed as having varicoceles, a condition often associated with male infertility. Basically he’s got some blood flowing the wrong way into organs that have a lot of influence over whether or not we get pregnant! Though corrective surgery is an option we are considering, it won’t guarantee an improved fertility score. Either way, we are stoked to have an explanation. And that settles our hearts.

2. Warmer weather in Arizona! More sunshine in winter months! Vitamin D is real! Need I say more?
3. I’ve had (several) jobs that I haven’t loved. 40-hour workweeks and a whole lot of stress because I just wasn’t feeling fulfilled. Let me say that Jk is the most supportive husband and encourages me to do what I love, but I have always struggled knowing what to do for money because I’ve never been “career-oriented”.

As of today, I can honestly say that I’m working my very favorite job I’ve ever had—and that is taking care of kids. I love my job as a nanny, even if I work less hours (maybe especially because I work less hours!). In all seriousness, I am lucky that Jk and I are at a point in our lives when I am able to work part-time. Additionally, my workweek is filled with cuddles, Candyland, and picture books. No doubt there are negatives like diapers, sticky hands, and crying kids, but there are so many positives! I am active all day pushing a stroller to and from the park, soaking up sunshine, and sometimes even listening to the Moana soundtrack. I watch little ones who make me laugh, cringe, and wash my hands one hundred times a day. Everything about my job is preparing me for motherhood. And I absolutely love it.
4. We submitted our adoption paperwork in October and have been awaiting certification ever since. 90+ days have come and gone. Patience is my middle name. And ok, it’s hard to wait—but making the decision to adopt, and sticking to it, has made me so happy!

I think back to the days of fertility appointments and blood tests and my blood pressure rises. I admire those couples who keep at it for months, sometimes years. We’re still considering those options for our future, but right now, adoption just feels so right. And now that we’ve accepted that, I have peace! No matter how sad I am that we don’t have our baby, I find joy in knowing that they are coming.

5. I’m not proud of it, but I’m being totally honest when I say that there was a time that I stopped trusting God. I avoided prayer, neglected scripture study, and I turned my ears off at church. I told Heavenly Father, “If you won’t listen to me, then there’s no reason to talk to you.” Well, that got lonely pretty fast.

I don’t know what changed my heart, but obviously the Spirit was involved. I felt a new resolve to focus on myself. I repented, dove into conference talks and scriptures, and tried my hardest to be grateful. I realized that I want a baby to come into my life during a time that I’m on good terms with God. I absolutely need the strength of heaven to get me through the most difficult time in my life. And guess what? It came through. My trial is just as heavy as ever, but somehow Heavenly Father has made me stronger!

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There are so many other things that contribute to my overall happiness. Family and friends. My church calling with the best girls ever. My amazing husband, who takes me on adventures near and far from home. You know where I’m going with this. Those things have always made me happy. But the growth, challenges, and changes that I’ve been through this last year have allowed me to reach a whole new level of satisfaction I never knew was possible. Because there is so much to be happy about, even when you’re sad.

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