The Story About the Pregnancy Announcement

You’ve probably heard the story about the couple who struggled to get pregnant and with broken hearts, made a plan for adoption. However, just before things could work out—a miracle happened. They got pregnant! The happy couple no longer needed to pursue adoption, because their dreams came true. They would have a baby of their own. It was miraculous and wonderful. A great story.

Record scratch. Freeze frame. This is not a story about us. 
I’ve heard about this kind of experience several times since I opened up about infertility and adoption. (“I’ll be honest, I’ve heard it probably 50 times. You can quote me on that,” says Jk.) It has been shared as both a personal experience and a secondhand story. No matter who is sharing, of course it’s amazing. God has the ability to intervene when the time is right and some couples are meant to get pregnant instead of adopt. What a blessing! However... I am cautious whenever I hear this story (or stories like it) for a number of reasons.

1. Regardless of the motivation behind sharing such an experience, it may give unrealistic expectations to couples facing infertility and pursuing a family. It implies a sort of “If-Then” moral. As in... IF I start the adoption process, THEN I will get pregnant. Sorry, but adoption is not a trigger for pregnancy. As we search for a birth family, we don’t want adoption to be our “Back-up Plan”—it is the plan for our family. It shouldn’t be a disappointment for couples who begin adoption to end up with a baby whom they have adopted! These are the stories I want to hear about because they are realistic and relevant to my future.

2. Perhaps unintentionally, this story can distract from the value and joy that comes with adoption. There are countless couples who go through the process of adoption until one day they are chosen as adoptive parents. They do not unexpectedly get pregnant, but rather, they bring home a baby that is just as much theirs as a biological child. Speaking as someone struggling with infertility, when the time comes, I want my friends and family members to be just as excited about an adoption announcement as they would a pregnancy. Because adoption is equally miraculous and heaven-sent.

These things have been on my mind for a long while. And I don’t intend to be offensive, but I do want to stir the pot a little. Open and meaningful conversations about infertility and adoption can be a blessing. Even though you’ve probably heard about a couple trying to adopt who got pregnant, bringing it up to an adoptive couple can give unrealistic expectations and distract from their goals as a couple. But when we might not fully understand someone’s situation, it’s okay to just listen and empathize. As I’ve said, this kind of story can be wonderful, but something I’ve figured out over the last few years is that MANY stories are wonderful. My life, my marriage, my family—none of these things have gone according to how I would have planned them. But Heavenly Father is customizing my mortal experience to be exactly what I need. It is difficult and it is messy (like, oatmeal all over the house messy)... But I am learning that my life can be different than my expectations and still be miraculous. What I want friends and family members to know is that I’m okay if my life doesn’t play out like the stories.

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