Let me start by stating this fact: I have zero skill when it comes to expressing my feelings. I write about technical things (and trust me, I get real passionate about them), but I feel like a dummy when I try to demonstrate my emotions with words. Bear with me as I try.
With that disclaimer, let’s get started.
I grew up the youngest in a family of four. If you ask my siblings or my parents, I was spoiled. I don’t deny it. My life was… cushy. And I think that’s what gave me this impression that my family’s life would be similar. Please note here that I’m not attempting to throw a self-induced pity party or encourage harsh judgement. I’m trying to be open.
As recently as two years ago I imagined our future family as large. I imagined that we would have lots of kids, a full house, and lots of food. I had never even considered the possibility of infertility. I don’t think I even knew that infertility existed*. I assumed that when we made the decision to have children, we could have children. After all, as Ariel puts it so elegantly, “Sixteen-year-olds get pregnant without trying! And all they eat is Cheetos!” So very many couples are able to spontaneously conceive, even in seemingly impossible circumstances. So yes, I expected it to be easy. But after trying and not succeeding, the harsh reality of infertility crept into our lives day by day.
Ariel expressed some concerns a few months in but I justified the time as normal. Since conception is such a game of statistics I wasn’t convinced that we weren’t just outliers and very unlucky. I tend toward obliviousness, while Ariel is a realist. But we held out. We were patient. We kept trying.
We decided to continue to live our lives. Ariel was getting established into a new job and I was viciously striving to increase my GPA so I could gain entry to graduate school. As time passed though, we began to long for a different future.
Flash-forward to today. We are currently 17 doctor’s appointments into the year, and looking back, not much has changed. Now we know that there is almost no chance of spontaneous conception, and we are eager to begin moving toward adoption. But nonetheless, we are left childless. This is a real trial for us, but we don’t let it stop our lives.
We look forward with hope. There are so many wonderful things in our lives, and we are happy to share this adventure and this trial with each other. And we continue to press forward taking baby names, family travel plans, and bedtime stories in tow, waiting for our turn.