While Being in Love

In January 2017, I wrote a blog post announcing our infertility. At the time, I had been struggling silently for a year and it seemed important to be open. I didn’t know how this would help or what the results would be, but it just felt right. For quite some time, it continued to be therapeutic and empowering. Now, after sharing our journey for a year and a half, I’ve decided that this will be my last blog post. “Sharing the things that we’re afraid will make us appear less in others’ eyes makes us stronger” (Chrissy Metz, This Is Me ). I want to say that my experience being vulnerable has been a mixture of both joy and grief. Opening myself up to the world has connected me with a community that I never knew existed. For both Jk and myself, friendships blossomed when others reached out to tell us they had been in our shoes. I found and shared comfort with strangers and close friends. But with that openness, my life opened up for scrutiny . Perhaps because I was publicly honest a...

Hello from the place of all overcast days: Seattle, Washington! My husband is interning with Facebook this summer, so we are here in Seattle for just 12 weeks, living and working in the city. We’ve officially been in our one-bed, one-bath apartment for 8 weeks now, which I think is long enough to draw a few conclusions. Here is my mid-summer assessment of the best and worst of Seattle! Free Seattle: The best part of Seattle for me has been the amount of COMPLETELY FREE, totally enjoyable things that there are to do. Museums, parks, markets, exhibits! Some things are free all day every day. Others you just have to know the right time or the right way to get tickets. (Maybe I’ll do a separate post of all things Free Seattle!)  When we found out that we would be moving, Jk and I started compiling a Seattle Bucket List. It was important to me to find worthwhile but FREE things. We are still saving up for adoption and the future, so I knew that we would have to be smart about...

You’ve probably heard the story about the couple who struggled to get pregnant and with broken hearts, made a plan for adoption. However, just before things could work out—a miracle happened. They got pregnant! The happy couple no longer needed to pursue adoption, because their dreams came true. They would have a baby of their own. It was miraculous and wonderful. A great story. Record scratch. Freeze frame. This is not a story about us.  I’ve heard about this kind of experience several times since I opened up about infertility and adoption. (“I’ll be honest, I’ve heard it probably 50 times. You can quote me on that,” says Jk.) It has been shared as both a personal experience and a secondhand story. No matter who is sharing, of course it’s amazing. God has the ability to intervene when the time is right and some couples are meant to get pregnant instead of adopt. What a blessing! However... I am cautious whenever I hear this story (or stories like it) for a number of reasons. 1...

How can I even convey the excitement in my heart?! Monday morning, Jk and I attended our first ever appointment with an adoption attorney! I wrote down a few thoughts following the appointment, knowing they would be scattered, but wanting to record every detail so nothing would slip out of my memory. A friend referred us to the law firm, saying she occasionally gets emails about potential birth families. Our interest continued to grow when we learned that this firm will hold a copy of our adoption profile book in their office to show birth mothers! — My thoughts immediately after our appointment were: I’m imagining a birth mother holding a stack of binders and books, containing information about couples who want to adopt her baby; somewhere in that pile, there is a spiral-bound profile for my husband and I, with our faces smiling on the front cover. I want to know these women--all of these birth mothers who boldly consider their futures and the future of the babies inside of t...

Of all the significant dates in our lives, I will mark today on the calendar! For the last 5 months, we’ve been waiting for our adoption certification. According to the law, 90 days is the maximum wait before the Arizona court has to certify applicants as acceptable or deny their request to adopt. Well...90 days went by without a word and our adoption specialist started to inquire. Secretly, I wondered if a lack of response meant that we were denied, but I was assured that either way, we should have an answer. Every day, I tried to put the issue out of my mind (“A watched pot never boils” right?). With much difficulty, I hardly spoke about it, always thought about it, and never prayed about it. When 130 days passed, my husband decided to ask the adoptions unit directly. He was informed that the court doesn’t give out information by phone and was told to send an email. Slow slow slow was the process.  Driving to work this morning, I finally threw the worries of my heart ...

One year ago, I cried constantly . 6 months ago, I felt even worse . I wondered if overwhelming sadness would be my new norm, like a shadow I couldn’t shake. Fast forward to today: I am so happy that I could burst. It’s still just my husband and I—and after two years of trying, we have no babies to show for it. So why am I so happy, even when I’m sad? ... 1. After meeting with a fertility doctor last year, we were under the impression that there were problems going on with Jk’s body that no one could explain and we certainly could not reverse. We took that evaluation and accepted it—until recently. After moving to Arizona, we decided to look more into Jk’s situation just to be sure that apart from infertility, his health wasn’t at risk. And I’m so glad we did! Jk recently came home from the urologist (male fertility specialist) and had some new information to share! Jk was diagnosed as having varicoceles , a condition often associated with male infertility. Basically he’s go...