While Being in Love

A few months ago, I was interacting with a mother and her little girl. I made a comment about how I adore children and the mom asked me, “If you love kids so much, why don’t you have any?” I could not have been more surprised. Dumbfounded, I thought,  Wait a minute! Someone can just ask you that?  I panicked and didn’t know what to say. I wanted to give an appropriate response but I honestly couldn’t answer why I didn’t have any kids. My husband and I weren't using birth control, we were making an effort, and we  wanted  to get pregnant – it just wasn’t happening. How do you casually share the struggles of your fragile heart with an acquaintance? I didn’t want to make the situation awkward, and yet, it was an awkward question! In the end, I blurted out something about waiting for the “right timing”. For nearly a year, I only talked about infertility with my husband and my best friend. On several occasions, I was asked by acquaintances and coworkers when Jk and I ...

Jk and I had our first day of fertility testing last Monday, the day before Valentine’s Day (how romantic, I know). We were both scheduled for exams and decided to do them separately to save time. Jk was taken down the hall while I was given a pelvic ultrasound with our doctor and nurse. I’ll spare you the details of the exam, but I do want to say that the staff made me feel very comfortable. During the procedure, I was able to see a monitor showing exactly what the doctor was seeing. I couldn’t make out what was what, so I spent a lot of the time focusing on taking deep breaths and staring at a half burned-out light on the ceiling. The exam took less than 10 minutes and the doctor mentioned that his initial impression was that everything was functioning properly. The possibility of endometriosis couldn’t be entirely ruled out, but he didn’t see any signs of it at first glance! This was presented as good news, to which I was equally surprised and relieved. After my ultrasound, I...

We had a number of significant things happen this week. First and foremost, my super smart husband was admitted into the MS Computer Engineering program at ASU for Fall 2017! Arizona State University in Tempe has been his first choice for a while now and I knew that he would get in! He is a hard worker and I am proud of him! There is still so much that we have to plan, but we are really excited. It looks like we will be moving to Arizona around August! In other news, I’ve lost count of the number of Valentine’s Day baby announcements and I feel an obligation to disclose that we are NOT pregnant. It is this social media surge that has inspired me to write about my experience with infertility amongst pregnancy announcements. I hope that by sharing my feelings candidly and honestly, my thoughts won’t be offensive. I woke up on Tuesday morning and as per my usual bad habit, I looked at Facebook. I’d been so distracted with fertility tests that I barely had time to think about the ho...

You might not know it from my recent blog posts, but I have a natural tendency to keep personal things private. For example, when I quit my job last summer, I asked my husband not to tell anyone until I found a new job and was ready to share. I expect to go through things alone and tell the story afterwards. Jk, on the other hand, is an open book. He’ll talk to anyone about anything and leave nothing to the imagination. It’s very natural for him to be genuine and open with people. When I first talked to Jk about sharing our infertility journey through a blog, he was so supportive of the idea. In fact, every time I went back and forth about the idea, Jk was there to encourage me to write. He told me, “We are meant to be a community and you help others as they help you.” When I finally published my first post , I was surprised to find that Jk shared it on his social media page. He came home from class and told me that he had even talked to his friends about what we were going through...

Thursday afternoon, we had our first real meeting with a fertility doctor. Technically, it was our “second consultation,” but this time it felt like an actual appointment (see  The One with the Fertility Doctor ). The morning passed by slowly as I unsuccessfully tried to distract myself at work (just ask my Snapchat friends). Finally, my cute husband surprised me and showed up earlier than expected. I think we were both antsy with anticipation! As we drove across town to the clinic, Jk turned up the radio so that we could dance like dummies and release some nervous energy. We rolled the windows down and enjoyed the hint-of-spring weather. I could not have asked for a more perfect day. Despite shivering with anxiety, I felt so good. All of the encouragement and prayers from friends and family filled me up. I am relieved to report that the appointment was everything we could have hoped for! Right away, we met with our new doctor, who was personable and sympathetic. He was a so...

We made the decision to see a fertility doctor when we had been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for 10 months. From research, I knew that one year indicated an official “problem,” but it was my opinion that 300+ days of worry was long enough. Good friends of ours had gone to a reproductive center nearby and had good things to say about their experience . We wouldn’t be able to see their same doctor, but we were grateful to be pointed in the right direction for a clinic. To say that I was nervous on the day of our appointment is an understatement. I was restless, shaky, and unable to focus at work. My main concern with seeing a doctor was the same concern I had with telling friends and family : I wanted to be taken seriously. My fear was that we would meet with a wise old man who would take one look at my babyface and decide I wasn’t ready to reproduce. Ultimately, my overwhelming desire for answers outweighed my anxiety. On a Tuesday in October, I took a long lunch break a...

We made the decision to stop taking birth control while sitting in a booth at In-N-Out. Jk and I had been married for one year. I was a college graduate, working full-time (at a job I wasn’t crazy about). Jk had a few more semesters and was working part-time. I had one more pack of birth control pills and life was going well. It wasn’t our first time having the discussion, but that day, over a Neapolitan shake and fries, it finally felt right. We decided that we weren’t going to actively TRY to get pregnant, but we weren’t going to prevent it from happening either. I was going to finish taking the remaining pills and what happened after that would be up to Heavenly Father. I remember feeling so nervous and excited. The decision was made. Months went by with only one glimmer of hope , followed immediately by a letdown. I was struggling to stay positive while stress came at me from every angle. I was on the cusp of quitting my job; a friend I had once been close to passed away;...