tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37016471001225564892023-11-15T19:29:42.631-08:00While Being in LoveAn endless bride to a forever groom, dealing with infertility. WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-73841873968379882212018-07-18T08:00:00.000-07:002018-07-18T10:29:57.498-07:00MY LAST BLOG POSTIn January 2017, I wrote a <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/01/expecting-to-be-expecting.html" target="_blank">blog post </a>announcing our infertility. At the time, I had been struggling silently for a year and it seemed important to be open. I didn’t know how this would help or what the results would be, but it just felt right. For quite some time, it continued to be <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/coming-out-of-infertility-closet.html" target="_blank">therapeutic </a>and empowering. Now, after sharing our journey for a year and a half, I’ve decided that this will be my last blog post. <br />
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“Sharing the things that we’re afraid will make us appear less in others’ eyes makes us stronger” (Chrissy Metz, <i>This Is Me</i>).</div>
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I want to say that my experience being vulnerable has been a mixture of both joy and grief. Opening myself up to the world has connected me with a community that I never knew existed. For both Jk and myself, friendships blossomed when others reached out to tell us they had been in our shoes. I found and shared comfort with strangers and close friends. <br />
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But with that openness, my life opened up for <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/feeling-awkward-about-infertility.html" target="_blank">scrutiny</a>. Perhaps because I was publicly honest about my feelings, others felt they had could be blunt with me. Eventually, I developed a fear of unsolicited advice and criticism, which carried over into other aspects of my personal life. <br />
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“There is only the medicine of believing each other’s pain, and being present for it” (Jonathan Safran Foer, <i>Here I Am</i>). </div>
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Recently, I thought I might be pregnant. I won’t share all of the <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/07/deciding-whether-or-not-to-take.html" target="_blank">details</a>, but I will say that it became very clear to me that I care too much about judgement from other people. Among thoughts of “You probably aren’t pregnant” and “What if you really are?” were thoughts that haunted me. Things like, “I don’t want people to belittle my years of pain with infertility” and “How will we justify this to our friends and family who contributed to our adoption fund?” <br />
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I’m not pregnant. And there is no progress with adoption. And we haven’t tried IVF. And we aren’t looking into foster care. And every single day for the last 930 days, I have thought about the possibility of never having children. Often, I feel an overwhelming sense of <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/11/infertility-is-difficult-road-to-travel.html" target="_blank">internal pressure</a> that I’m not doing enough or I’m not pursuing the right method. What I’m saying is that I put enough stress on myself and I don’t need it from the outside, too. When the time eventually comes to have a child, no matter how they are brought to us, I want every thought in my head to be positive, every bone in my body to feel relief, and every fiber of my heart to be filled with joy. <br />
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“To thine own self be true” (William Shakespeare, <i>Hamlet</i>). </div>
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I appreciate the opportunity I’ve had to share our infertility journey through my blog. I am grateful for those who have followed our story from the beginning as well as those who joined us somewhere along the way. Whether you’ve read one post or all, thank you. Overall, it has been a positive experience and I don’t regret a thing. It’s just time to move on. Infertility has become a part of my identity, which I have <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2018/02/happy-even-when-im-sad.html" target="_blank">chosen to embrace</a>. However, my life is about so much more than this. It’s about learning and growing and laughing and struggling, all while being in love.<br />
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Afterword: </div>
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For my own peace of mind, I want to acknowledge everyone who contributed to our adoption fund one last time. THANK YOU! Thank you again & thank you to infinity—I can never say it enough. The money that you contributed has helped pay for all of our adoption expenses to this point: an education course, a consultation with an adoption lawyer, a home study & <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/10/adoption-homestudy-fingerprints-and.html" target="_blank">associated fees</a> (fingerprinting cards, lab fees for physical exam, etc.). Adoption is still our plan. But regardless of whether it works out for us or not, I hope you feel that we are doing our best to be honest. We are forever grateful for your love and support. Your help is a debt we can never repay but hope to pay forward.</div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-54102650411875099712018-07-06T11:36:00.000-07:002018-07-06T12:07:41.116-07:00The Best and Worst of SeattleHello from the place of all overcast days: Seattle, Washington! My husband is interning with Facebook this summer, so we are here in Seattle for just 12 weeks, living and working in the city. We’ve officially been in our one-bed, one-bath apartment for 8 weeks now, which I think is long enough to draw a few conclusions. Here is my mid-summer assessment of the best and worst of Seattle!<br />
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Free Seattle:</div>
The best part of Seattle for me has been the amount of COMPLETELY FREE, totally enjoyable things that there are to do. Museums, parks, markets, exhibits! Some things are free all day every day. Others you just have to know the right time or the right way to get tickets. (Maybe I’ll do a separate post of all things Free Seattle!) </div>
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When we found out that we would be moving, Jk and I started compiling a Seattle Bucket List. It was important to me to find worthwhile but FREE things. We are still saving up for adoption and the future, so I knew that we would have to be smart about our adventures. Our list has continued to grow during our time here.<br />
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I have loved making memories with my husband and family members who are visiting—but I’ve also enjoyed the time spent exploring on my own. Every time I’m not working, I have a decision to make: stay home and Netflix, or go explore the city by myself. Some days, it is hard to find the motivation, but every time I leave the apartment and find something new, it is completely worth it. Seattle has loads of fun, free activities within walking distance from our apartment!<br />
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Right away, we knew that our car would not be the best mode of transportation through the city. So I decided that any destination under 3 miles was a feasible walk. When travelling by foot, gas prices and paid parking aren’t an issue. An added benefit of traveling by foot through the city, I’ve discovered, is that it’s easy to stumble on underrated locations. There are sculptures, parks, restaurants, and eclectic shops that can only be noticed as a pedestrian. Another obvious perk of walking is that you avoid traffic/road rage (don’t ask how long I honk when people cut me off).<br />
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The Seattle Freeze:</div>
Moving here from Arizona, what I have found to be even worse than the cold weather has been the cold shoulder. There is an actual term dedicated to the unfriendliness of the city called the “Seattle Freeze.” It is the widely held belief that Seattle is a lonely city where it is especially difficult to find friends. I found this to be true many weeks before I knew that there was a name for it. <br />
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Of course there are exceptions, but overall my experience has been that strangers are not interested in other strangers. Whether riding in an elevator, walking on the street, or sitting next to someone in public, people tend to keep to themselves. To move to a new place and spend every day alone has been more difficult than I expected. After several attempts to go outside my comfort zone and reach out to others, I felt like there was no point. In fact, I had been so honest as to confide in a few women at church, telling them I was having a hard time because I had no friends. I was told, “I’m sure you’ll find somebody.” I continued to find nobody. I finally broke down and sobbed to my husband because I felt so lonely. I was being productive and getting out of the apartment; I was praying for friends and making an effort to find them; I was eating healthy and exercising regularly—it seemed that the only thing missing was a friend. <br />
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Over the course of 8 weeks, things have gotten better. One of the greatest blessings is when family and friends visit us from out of town! Also, through nannying I’ve met some wonderful families and had great conversations with parents. Another significant change has been to attend a different ward in church. These few avenues for connecting with others have made all the difference! </div>
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With just a month left in Seattle, I am determined to tackle the rest of our Bucket List. It has been amazing to experience new art, nature, and culture. Even though it has been a hard summer, I’ll never regret our time spent here. The difficult times have helped me to learn a lot about myself and have given me a new perspective on ministering. And of course, through it all, I’ve had my best friend by my side to support me. I’m so grateful for my husband and his hard work that has provided us with the opportunity to live here for the summer. Here in Seattle, I’ve had the best of times and the worst of times—all while being in love.<br />
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-19448953444935480392018-04-17T09:57:00.000-07:002018-04-17T09:57:00.170-07:00The Story About the Pregnancy Announcement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
You’ve probably heard the story about the couple who struggled to get pregnant and with broken hearts, made a plan for adoption. However, just before things could work out—a miracle happened. They got pregnant! The happy couple no longer needed to pursue adoption, because their dreams came true. They would have a baby of their own. It was miraculous and wonderful. A great story.<br /><br />Record scratch. Freeze frame. This is not a story about us. </div>
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I’ve heard about this kind of experience several times since I opened up about infertility and adoption. (“I’ll be honest, I’ve heard it probably 50 times. You can quote me on that,” says Jk.) It has been shared as both a personal experience and a secondhand story. No matter who is sharing, of course it’s amazing. God has the ability to intervene when the time is right and some couples are meant to get pregnant instead of adopt. What a blessing! However... I am cautious whenever I hear this story (or stories like it) for a number of reasons. <br /><br />1. Regardless of the motivation behind sharing such an experience, <b>it may give unrealistic expectations</b> to couples facing infertility and pursuing a family. It implies a sort of “If-Then” moral. As in... IF I start the adoption process, THEN I will get pregnant. Sorry, but adoption is not a trigger for pregnancy. As we search for a birth family, we don’t want adoption to be our “Back-up Plan”—it is<i> the plan</i> for our family. It shouldn’t be a disappointment for couples who begin adoption to end up with a baby whom they have adopted! These are the stories I want to hear about because they are realistic and relevant to my future. <br /><br />2. Perhaps unintentionally,<b> this story can distract from the value and joy that comes with adoption</b>. There are countless couples who go through the process of adoption until one day they are chosen as adoptive parents. They do not unexpectedly get pregnant, but rather, they bring home a baby that is just as much theirs as a biological child. Speaking as someone struggling with infertility, when the time comes, I want my friends and family members to be just as excited about an adoption announcement as they would a pregnancy. Because adoption is equally miraculous and heaven-sent.<br /><br />These things have been on my mind for a long while. And I don’t intend to be offensive, but I do want to stir the pot a little. Open and meaningful conversations about infertility and adoption can be a blessing. Even though you’ve probably heard about a couple trying to adopt who got pregnant, bringing it up to an adoptive couple can give unrealistic expectations and distract from their goals as a couple. But when we might not fully understand someone’s situation, it’s okay to just listen and empathize. As I’ve said, this kind of story can be wonderful, but something I’ve figured out over the last few years is that MANY stories are wonderful. My life, my marriage, my family—none of these things have gone according to how I would have planned them. But Heavenly Father is customizing my mortal experience to be exactly what I need. It is difficult and it is messy (like, oatmeal all over the house messy)... But I am learning that my life can be different than my expectations and still be miraculous. What I want friends and family members to know is that I’m okay if my life doesn’t play out like the stories. WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-20770978979740034682018-04-04T11:09:00.000-07:002018-04-04T13:36:39.117-07:00Meeting with an Adoption Attorney How can I even convey the excitement in my heart?! Monday morning, Jk and I attended our first ever appointment with an adoption attorney! I wrote down a few thoughts following the appointment, knowing they would be scattered, but wanting to record every detail so nothing would slip out of my memory.<br />
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A friend referred us to the law firm, saying she occasionally gets emails about potential birth families. Our interest continued to grow when we learned that this firm will hold a copy of our adoption profile book in their office to show birth mothers!<br />
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My thoughts immediately after our appointment were:<br />
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<i>I’m imagining a birth mother holding a stack of binders and books, containing information about couples who want to adopt her baby; somewhere in that pile, there is a spiral-bound profile for my husband and I, with our faces smiling on the front cover.</i><br />
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<i><br />I want to know these women--all of these birth mothers who boldly consider their futures and the future of the babies inside of them. My heart melts at the courage and sacrifice of such a woman. I don’t know where she is coming from or the thoughts going through her mind, but I want to hug her. The thought of being considered for placement with a baby and sharing this burden and joy with a birth mother is just enough to give me hope. I spent a lot of time on our adoption profile book; writing and rewriting, adding pictures and editing the pages over and over. How is it possible to present yourself as capable, yet imperfect, humble, yet confident? Is it even fathomable to convey to a stranger how much you will love their child? I’ve never looked at our photos and wanted someone to like me as much as I want this birth mom to like me. </i><br />
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So Monday morning, we woke up early, printed an adoption profile, and drove back home. It was too early to go to the appointment! Jk restlessly tried to nap, while I restlessly tried to read my book. We were both so anxious and excited.</div>
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The appointment was an initial consultation to meet with the adoption attorney who would be sharing our profile with birth mothers who came across her path.</div>
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We received great feedback about how to improve our adoption profile book (more pictures with family and friends; less wedding and early marriage photos; more pictures in general!). We learned about basic Arizona rules for adoption, as well as red flag situations and what to avoid.<br />
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We discovered that this office is currently holding around 40 adoptive couple profiles. Last year, they matched and helped finalize around 11 adoptions. So although the odds are narrow, we are ecstatic to be included among the profiles shown. Our questions were answered and our concerns were resolved.<br />
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The other great thing that happened Monday was that we received a call from Adoption.com, letting us know our online profile is ready to be published! The only thing left to do is wait for our bishop to sign off on his recommendation for us! We immediately called Bishop to let him know and he said he would respond as soon as the email came through.<br />
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It’s unbelievable that we are making so much progress because of how long we’ve been waiting for this. We are trying to take it one day at a time, but it feels good to move forward! Every step is a step closer to our baby!</div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-37274087880903117122018-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:002018-03-28T13:38:55.078-07:00Adoption Certification Of all the significant dates in our lives, I will mark today on the calendar!<br />
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For the last 5 months, we’ve been waiting for our adoption certification. According to the law, 90 days is the maximum wait before the Arizona court has to certify applicants as acceptable or deny their request to adopt. </div>
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Well...90 days went by without a word and our adoption specialist started to inquire. Secretly, I wondered if a lack of response meant that we were denied, but I was assured that either way, we should have an answer. Every day, I tried to put the issue out of my mind (“A watched pot never boils” right?). With much difficulty, I hardly spoke about it, always thought about it, and never prayed about it. <br />
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When 130 days passed, my husband decided to ask the adoptions unit directly. He was informed that the court doesn’t give out information by phone and was told to send an email. Slow slow slow was the process. </div>
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Driving to work this morning, I finally threw the worries of my heart into a prayer to Heavenly Father. I said something like, “I am trying to be patient, Father. If this isn’t working out, I know you have a reason for that... But I can’t wait anymore. We are already waiting to have a baby; we will wait to be chosen; we will wait for placement. I know this isn’t the end of our waiting, but I need this to be the end of waiting for this.”</div>
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One more time, I asked my husband to follow up with the court. A few hours later, he texted me back, “Check yo email fool.”</div>
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Heart thumping, I opened a forwarded message: “Here is a copy of the order attached, please let me know if you need anything further, thank you”. After scrolling down, there was an attachment: "It is ordered certifying the above named applicant as acceptable to adopt children pursuant to the laws of the State of Arizona."</div>
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Honestly, so unexpected and nonchalant were the words of the email and attachment that I had to ask our adoption specialist for clarification. <br />
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Finally, after 5 months of something beyond patience (maybe endurance?), it feels soooo good to announce... WE ARE CERTIFIED TO ADOPT! </div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-42356728079486298042018-02-13T19:04:00.001-08:002018-02-14T09:39:45.078-08:00Happy, Even When I’m Sad One year ago, <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/our-infertility-journey.html" target="_blank">I cried constantly</a>. 6 months ago, I felt <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/06/i-was-in-elevator-riding-up-two-floors.html" target="_blank">even worse</a>. I wondered if overwhelming sadness would be my new norm, like a shadow I couldn’t shake. Fast forward to today: I am so happy that I could burst. It’s still just my husband and I—and after two years of trying, we have no babies to show for it. So why am I so happy, even when I’m sad?<br />
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1. After meeting with a <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-follow-up-fertility-appointment.html" target="_blank">fertility doctor</a> last year, we were under the impression that there were problems going on with Jk’s body that no one could explain and we certainly could not reverse. We took that evaluation and accepted it—until recently. <br />
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After moving to Arizona, we decided to look more into Jk’s situation just to be sure that apart from infertility, his health wasn’t at risk. And I’m so glad we did! <br />
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Jk recently came home from the urologist (male fertility specialist) and had some new information to share! Jk was diagnosed as having <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/varicocele/symptoms-causes/syc-20378771" target="_blank">varicoceles</a>, a condition often associated with male infertility. Basically he’s got some blood flowing the wrong way into organs that have a lot of influence over whether or not we get pregnant! Though corrective surgery is an option we are considering, it won’t guarantee an improved fertility score. Either way, we are stoked to have an explanation. And that settles our hearts.<br />
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2. Warmer weather in Arizona! More sunshine in winter months! Vitamin D is real! Need I say more?<br />
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3. I’ve had (several) jobs that I haven’t loved. 40-hour workweeks and a whole lot of stress because I just wasn’t feeling fulfilled. Let me say that Jk is the most supportive husband and encourages me to do what I love, but I have always struggled knowing what to do for money because I’ve never been “career-oriented”.<br />
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As of today, I can honestly say that I’m working my very favorite job I’ve ever had—and that is taking care of kids. I love my job as a nanny, even if I work less hours (maybe especially because I work less hours!). In all seriousness, I am lucky that Jk and I are at a point in our lives when I am able to work part-time. Additionally, my workweek is filled with cuddles, Candyland, and picture books. No doubt there are negatives like diapers, sticky hands, and crying kids, but there are so many positives! I am active all day pushing a stroller to and from the park, soaking up sunshine, and sometimes even listening to the Moana soundtrack. I watch little ones who make me laugh, cringe, and wash my hands one hundred times a day. Everything about my job is preparing me for motherhood. And I absolutely love it.<br />
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4. We submitted our <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/10/finishing-our-adoption-homestudy.html" target="_blank">adoption paperwork</a> in October and have been awaiting certification ever since. 90+ days have come and gone. Patience is my middle name. And ok, it’s hard to wait—but making the decision to adopt, and sticking to it, has made me so happy! <br />
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I think back to the days of <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/fertility-testing-valium-and-worst-pain.html" target="_blank">fertility appointments</a> and blood tests and my blood pressure rises. I admire those couples who keep at it for months, sometimes years. We’re still considering those options for our future, but right now, adoption just feels <a href="http://azadoptionservices.org/" target="_blank">so right</a>. And now that we’ve accepted that, I have peace! No matter how sad I am that we don’t have our baby, I find joy in knowing that they are coming. <br />
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5. I’m not proud of it, but I’m being totally honest when I say that there was a time that I stopped trusting God. I avoided prayer, neglected scripture study, and I turned my ears off at church. I told Heavenly Father, “If you won’t listen to me, then there’s no reason to talk to you.” Well, that got lonely pretty fast. <br />
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I don’t know what changed my heart, but obviously the Spirit was involved. I felt a new resolve to focus on myself. I repented, dove into conference talks and scriptures, and tried my hardest to be grateful. I realized that I want a baby to come into my life during a time that I’m on good terms with God. I absolutely need the strength of heaven to get me through the most difficult time in my life. And guess what? It came through. My trial is just as heavy as ever, but somehow Heavenly Father has made me stronger! <br />
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There are so many other things that contribute to my overall happiness. Family and friends. My church calling with the best girls ever. My amazing husband, who takes me on adventures near and far from home. You know where I’m going with this. Those things have always made me happy. But the growth, challenges, and changes that I’ve been through this last year have allowed me to reach a whole new level of satisfaction I never knew was possible. Because there is so much to be happy about, even when you’re sad.</div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-64731025219810794022017-11-20T12:00:00.000-08:002017-11-20T12:08:05.776-08:00Infertility Is a Difficult Road to TravelThe thing about infertility is that some days, you’ve come to terms with what’s happening in your life. A friend might ask what progress you’ve made and you have no qualms about reporting that nothing’s changed, but you’re excited to see what comes next. On those days you feel optimistic, goal-oriented, & hopeful for the future. And other days—well, other days you find yourself flooded with unexplained sadness, doubt, & fear at the road you have to travel.<br />
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Today, I woke up feeling fine, but mid-shower, a monster of grief overcame me and suddenly I was bawling in bed. Today, I don’t want anyone to ask what progress I’ve made because no amount of progress feels good enough. All I can think about are the years that have passed and the struggles I’ve still got to face.<br />
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There are so many possibilities in the infertility journey to have a baby and it is so so difficult to know if we’re taking the right road. No matter what choice we’ve made, it seems there is always someone there to ask why we aren’t pursuing another route. IUI, IVF, adoption, foster-to-adopt, the list goes on and on. I cannot count how many times I’ve been asked why we are adopting instead of X, Y, Z. It might surprise you to know that no route is less difficult than another.<br />
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I recently met some friends who are also struggling with infertility. They are going through their third round of IUI this week and I am praying all goes well! As they explained their situation to me, the wife said she was excited but didn’t want to get her hopes up because she’s been let down before. I’m overwhelmed at the strength it takes to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put them back together time and time again.<br />
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This is our journey as a couple. I’m aching and I’m struggling. I have FOMO (“fear of missing out”) every other day, wondering if some other road would bring faster, better, easier results. I carry grief inside that I try to control but the truth is, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I don’t know when or how Heavenly Father will help us find our baby, but I’m doing all I can to have faith. When we hit potholes, road blocks, & dead ends, I’m doing my best to overcome those obstacles. I’m trusting that if I give it everything I have, it will work out how it’s supposed to.WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-51970758976829078902017-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:002017-11-13T08:43:14.873-08:00Ready for ParenthoodThis morning I was reading an entry in my journal from November 2016. This time last year, we had no idea why we weren’t able to get pregnant. We had seen a fertility doctor and they said that it was too soon for us to start worrying. I wrote in my journal, “Heavenly Father must have a plan for us, even if that includes adoption rather than pregnancy. We will have a family.” Fast forward one year, it is everything we want to adopt a baby into our lives. <br /><br />I’ve been thinking a lot about the future of our family lately. When will someone contact us about a child & who will that person be? How many “potential” situations will we have before it’s the real thing? I’m excited, I’m nervous, and I’m every feeling in between. Making the decision to adopt is almost like saying, <i>I’m ready to be a parent</i>. For anyone who currently is a parent, you probably know that’s a bold statement. But one thing I want to remember about this stage before parenthood is that I’ve always known that Jk will be a great dad.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Every baby, toddler, and preteen loves my husband. Heck, all of our adult friends love him. On every occasion that I’ve seen my husband interact with children, my heart is near implosion from cuteness. He just has this really great way of connecting with kids and being a leader. I am a nanny for two of the sweetest boys and the first time they met Jk, you could tell he was their new best friend. Randomly, the younger little boy will tell me, “I know who your husband is, Ariel. It’s Jk.” It makes me so happy. I can’t wait for the day when Jk is a father and makes our little one feel like the coolest person alive. <br /><br />Jk and I are so grateful for all of the support we’ve received from friends and family to help us in the journey to become parents. Even though our timeline for adoption depends on finding a birth family, it is a matter of when and not if it happens. Just like I knew one year ago, I know today that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family!WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-37078148021057808062017-10-30T07:00:00.000-07:002017-10-30T20:42:52.678-07:00Dear Expectant Parent Letter<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Dear Friend,</span></div>
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You've probably looked through a lot of profiles by now—faces are blurring together and letters all say the same thing. Or maybe we are the first couple you've come across. No matter where you are at in your journey, we'd love to be a part of it. Here's what makes us, us.<br />
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We've been married for almost three years and adoption has been part of our plan since before day one of our marriage. After two years of infertility, we decided it was time to pursue our adoption journey. Finding a birth family match will be such a blessing for us.<br />
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As a couple, we try to live a minimalist life. One of our favorite activities is being outdoors. We love traveling, camping, and hiking. We can't wait to add another little adventurer to our crew.<br />
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We love Netflix binging as much as the next person, but we spend most of our free time at home reading. We have a huge (and growing) book collection. So if you enjoy reading, we will have lots to talk about!<br />
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Although we do not have any children of our own yet, we pray for the right birth family to join us so that we can bless each other's lives. We address you as dear friend because we would love to have an open adoption, where we can see each other as both family and friends. <br />
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Please see more of our story at <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/">WhileBeingInLove.blogspot.com</a><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">About Ariel</span></div>
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My favorite things include sending mail, celebrating birthdays, and buying books. I like to travel, cook, and spend time with family. It would be my ideal situation to stay at home with my children. Bucket list items include: writing a book, seeing the Grand Canyon, and cooking every recipe in a vegetarian cookbook.<br />
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Find me on instagram @arielwall<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">About Jk</span></div>
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A few of my favorite things in the world are reading, playing guitar, and trying new things. I love learning; education is one of my highest priorities. I am fascinated by the future of technology and have found my calling in Computer Engineering; it is a part of my everyday life. I aspire to have an impact on society and bless lives for good in my daily work. I hope to receive a Ph.D. and travel the world with my family.<br />
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Find me on Instagram @lovedonesandzeros<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Photography by: <a href="http://hunterkfowler.com/" target="_blank">Hunter K. Fowler</a></span></div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-10499455486569256092017-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:002018-02-13T19:05:11.838-08:00Finishing our Adoption Homestudy!Yesterday my husband and I met with our <a href="http://azadoptionservices.org/?page_id=6" target="_blank">adoption specialist</a> for the LAST TIME until we find a birth mother. What! I am happy to announce that we’ve completed the final step in our <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/10/adoption-homestudy-fingerprints-and.html?m=1" target="_blank">adoption homestudy! </a><br />
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From start to finish, the process took almost 5 weeks. Although I was anxious to complete everything, the month flew by! Here’s a quick recap of our homestudy timeline:</div>
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<i>September 16 </i>- Attended the <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/09/making-progress-with-adoption.html?m=1" target="_blank">adoption education event</a>.<br />
<i>September 21</i> - Met with Calli in our home for the first time. Got an overview of adoption requirements, signed paperwork, & had an interview as a couple. <br />
<i>September 28</i> - Calli came over to take the fingerprints of every member in the household. <br />
<i>October 8</i> - Finished our paperwork. Messaged Calli to set up our last appointment. <br />
<i>October 18 </i>- Calli did our individual interviews & home assessment. <br />
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Many friends and family members reached out to wish us luck leading up to our home assessment. Afterwards, we were surprised by the supportive & inquisitive messages we received asking how everything went. I cannot tell you how much that meant to us! Still recovering.</div>
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So... how did everything go with our home assessment? Let me say that because we are <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/08/moving-to-arizona-looking-into-adoption.html?m=1" target="_blank">living with my in-laws</a>, we already had the amazing advantage of a beautiful, well-decorated home. We just needed to lightly clean, buy a fire extinguisher and carbon monoxide detector, & move our medicines and chemicals to safer heights. The walk-through with Calli was quick, easy, & non-invasive. Much less stressful than I anticipated! When she asked where certain things were located, we’d walk to a room or open a cupboard or sometimes just point in the general direction. That was that! Easy-peasy.<br />
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The individual interviews were rather painless as well. I sat with Calli first while Jk went to another room. She asked questions about my family, my childhood, etc. and I had the opportunity to tell her all about my crazy and wonderful parents and siblings. I talked about the days when my mom was a single parent raising 4 kids and working full-time; then when she remarried my awesome stepdad and we moved from sunny Florida to snowy Pennsylvania! Calli also asked how Jk and I coped with the adoption process and I was so proud to tell her that we knew without a doubt this was right for us. I expressed that I knew hard times were ahead but for now, I was nothing but excited at the thought of having a family. As for Jk’s individual interview—I wasn’t there—but he says it went well! I guess I’ll have to take his word for it. </div>
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What’s next? Calli takes all of the forms, interviews, references, & information about us and writes up a report. She’ll submit the report to the court (by hand! How awesome is she?). Once that’s submitted, we will wait for approval of certification, which we’ve been told should take about 90 days. <br />
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In the meantime? We have been given the green light to start looking for a birth mother! Jk and I have a lot of ideas for how we will get the word out and I can’t wait to get started. We have no idea who the birth mother is or how we will find our baby, but we are so optimistic and hopeful! Despite everything we’ve been through, I know that what’s ahead is worth all the heartache we’ve experienced. I have faith that God has a plan & He’ll bring our family together.<br />
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-31914591290664383682017-10-09T08:30:00.000-07:002017-10-09T08:42:24.925-07:00Adoption Homestudy: Fingerprints and PaperworkIt has been an exciting few weeks around here. In my last post, we had just attended an adoption class and were preparing for the next steps. Now, not even a month later, we are in full-blown <a href="https://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/getting-approved/home-study" target="_blank">homestudy mode</a>!<br />
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The first step was to meet with our adoption specialist from <a href="http://azadoptionservices.org/" target="_blank">Adoption Home Study Services of Arizona</a>. We had already met Calli during our adoption training but we hadn’t spent any alone time with her. For this meeting, she came to our home, the three of us sat on the couch, and it felt very personalized and comfortable. Jk and I were so glad that we had already been to the educational class because it gave us a great foundation for the things Calli discussed with us. She went through the paperwork and steps needed in order for us to get certified to adopt. That part was pretty simple! <br />
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Next, we started our interviews. Calli asked us all kinds of questions about the progression of our relationship and our marriage. We were asked how we met, what attracted us to each other, and what adjustments we had to make when we got married. While Calli took notes, Jk and I discussed what challenges we’ve been through, how we overcome disagreements, and what hopes we have for our future family. This part of the meeting required a lot of contemplation and self-reflection. <br />
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After that, we were left with a large stack of paperwork! We were given all kinds of forms to fill out: an application for certification to adopt, affidavits, <a href="https://dcs.az.gov/data/dcs-forms" target="_blank">CPS clearance</a>, a health insurance questionnaire, and a financial statement. More forms that would require signatures: employment verification and medical reports. And copies of several important documents including health insurance cards, pay stubs, driver’s licenses, birth certificates, last year’s tax return, and our marriage license. Lastly, we would need to complete an adoptive home study template, giving additional information about ourselves, our families, and our adoption preferences. Woo! I was overwhelmed but determined. <br />
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Initially we thought that we would go to a fingerprinting location, but it proved to be more difficult than we imaged. Everyone in the household, including my in-laws needed to have their fingerprints taken and submitted to the Department of Public Safety (DPS). About a week after our meeting with Calli, we asked her to come back and help us get our fingerprint cards. She was so kind and cooperative and came back to take our prints. Finger by finger, she helped us complete the necessary forms.<br />
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Today, just two and a half weeks after our first appointment, Jk and I are proud to say that we’ve completed our end of the paperwork! We’ve already scheduled our next appointment with Calli to complete our “home visit” and continue our individual and couple interviews. I am just so so excited and happy for how far we’ve come and where we are headed!<br />
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Life is moving so fast and there are a million things that happen every day. I’m finding it more and more difficult to find the time to write about our experiences, but I know how important it is to document our journey. If it’s a blur from week to week, I know it will only get worse as time goes on. But I want to remember everything! Someday all of these discussions and paperwork will lead to something. Someday this won’t just be our infertility journey or our adoption journey--it will be the story of how we got our baby!</div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-20720367958507918812017-09-18T08:00:00.000-07:002017-09-18T09:38:07.769-07:00Making Progress with AdoptionAlmost a month ago, Jk and I put the word out that we are planning to adopt. We've been asked several times since then what the next steps are and where we are at in the process. It's been an amazing month. At times I've felt so overwhelmed with happiness and feeling the Spirit, I thought I could melt into a puddle. With that said, here's a peak into what we have learned so far and what we've been up to. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Public versus Private Adoption</b></div>
<br />Let me explain a little about what kind of adoption my husband and I are looking into (because the wording can be confusing). Initially we looked into <a href="https://adoptionnetwork.com/difference-between-a-public-and-private-adoption-agency" target="_blank">public adoption</a>, or foster-to-adopt. The foster care system is funded by the state and aims to ultimately reunite birth parents and their biological children. When a public adoption goes through, it means that the couple who has been fostering a child has permanently adopted him or her. Although we can see ourselves going through public adoption in the future, right now we are pursuing private adoption. We are not pursing foster-to-adopt.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.adopthelp.com/public-vs-private-adoption/" target="_blank">Private adoption</a>, or independent voluntary placement, means that a birth mother has made the decision to place her biological child for adoption with a family of her choice. One reason that this is a great route for us to take is that we are hoping to adopt a newborn. As first time parents, we look forward to being there for every significant event so that our child knows his or her story from the beginning. Private adoption is not the same thing as a closed adoption. In fact, many private adoptions are open adoptions, meaning the birth parents are able to remain in contact with the adoptive parents and child. This is something that we expect and even prefer. We are interested in an open private adoption.<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
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<b>Adoption Educational Requirements</b></div>
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<br />In Arizona, the process for becoming adoptive parents includes attending an adoption orientation and training. So this past Saturday, we spent the whole day at an event, fulfilling our educational requirement... And it was so good!! There were presentations on everything you could want to know including funding your adoption, finding a birth mom, what it means to have an open adoption, and more. We heard from: two birth mothers sharing their experiences placing their biological babies with families; adoptive couples who had years of wisdom to share; an attorney who has worked with both birth parents and adoptive parents. <br /><br />We learned so so much. Everything the speakers shared resonated with me. I came to find that I wasn't alone in my fears; every adoptive parent worried about the overwhelming unpredictability of it all. As I sat taking notes, absorbing everything, the Spirit came to my heart over and over and over. Yes, this decision is big, scary, and extremely significant<span style="text-align: center;">—but </span>it is also glorious. After we left the event, Jk and I talked excitedly all night about what we learned and how we felt. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Home Study</b></div>
<br />What's the next step? <a href="http://azadoptionservices.org/?page_id=6" target="_blank">A home study</a>. We have already spoken to an agency about starting what is called an adoption home study, which includes things like background checks, getting letters of reference, & signing a lot of paperwork. We will be interviewed, have our home inspected, & a report will be written in our behalf. In the coming weeks, we will follow the steps to complete the home study and eventually we will be certified to adopt in the state of Arizona! <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
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So that's where we are at in our infertility journey. Near the beginning, but one step closer to our goal: a family. As for my faith along the way, I've thrown out my old testimony because it didn't fit me anymore. I've learned to rely on God in a new way that is unique to these life challenges. Despite where I've been with God,<i> I've been with God</i>. I've yelled at Him and avoided Him, but I always come back asking for His strength to rebuild my faith and my heart. As we pursue adoption, I have felt His presence pushing me forward and encouraging me not to give up<span style="text-align: center;">—</span>because this will all be worth it. </div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-51978713372006716662017-08-24T08:00:00.000-07:002017-08-24T13:40:28.623-07:00Our Decision to AdoptThe best thing that has happened in the last 20 months occurred yesterday. My husband and I made an actual baby step toward...well, a baby. There is a skinny/chunky, white/black<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #292929; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">—</span>frankly quite <i>ambiguous </i>child in our future. We have utterly and completely devoted ourselves to <a href="https://adoption.com/lds" target="_blank">adoption</a>!<br /><br /><div>
On Sunday, we arranged a meeting with our new bishop at church. He was kind, compassionate, and had family members who adopted children into their home. He listened to us, didn’t question us, and showed so much respect. We were SO grateful for that. It turned out that he wasn’t very familiar with the adoption process, but he promised to look into it. </div>
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Later in the week, Jk went to <a href="https://providentliving.lds.org/lds-family-services?lang=eng" target="_blank">LDS Family Services</a> to get more information about adoption. For those of you who don’t know, LDS Family Services is operated by the <a href="https://www.lds.org/?lang=eng" target="_blank">Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints</a> and assists individuals and families with various kinds of counseling and services. They used to be involved with helping adoptive couples but no longer provide in-depth assistance. We knew that, but we wanted to see what services they could still offer. Again, we hit another dead-end. The employee told Jk that they don’t get involved in adoption and she had no other information.<br /><br />Then yesterday afternoon, I got a call from a friend who gave me the most exciting news! She put me in touch with the sweetest, most helpful woman in the whole world. This angel used to work helping adoptive couples and birth mothers, and has since adopted two children of her own<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #292929; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">—</span>so she knows adoption from every angle! We talked for half an hour while I took extensive notes, happy-cried, and felt the most incredible excitement for my future family. Everything about this just feels right.<br /><br />So today, we officially started our application paperwork, the first of MANY forms to come! We have been overwhelmed by the number of friends, family members, and others willing to support us. My husband posted an <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lovedonesandzeros/posts/10155107634077979?notif_t=like_tagged&notif_id=1503544270960218" target="_blank">announcement on social media</a>, asking for our message to be shared so that we can find a birth mother. “The time has come, you guys. After 20 grueling months of trying for spontaneous conception, going through invasive infertility testing, and praying for a miracle, we are planning to adopt! We want a family, and we are asking for your help. Ariel and I are searching for a baby. We would like to find someone who is expecting a healthy baby and needs a loving couple to parent them. I know this is a long shot but by extending our network we hope to find the right child for us. Please share this post and reach out to those you know. We are crossing our fingers, and we are hoping that together we can make this happen.” It would mean the WORLD to us if you could spread our information far and wide so that we can find our baby.<br /><br />I guess the point of all of this is that I want our someday little one to know how much they mean to us. And to know that we’ve always planned on adoption. Before we even started trying to have kids, before we found out about infertility, before anything<span style="background-color: #ececec; color: #292929; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">—</span><b>our Plan A included adoption</b>. We are crummy at a lot of things, but one thing I know is that we have a lot of love to give… and I mean a LOT. We have an abundance of encouraging words, bedtime stories, and snuggle-bug-hugs to give our baby, no matter how they come into our family. So this is it. Our miracle.</div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-30616078095027943092017-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:002017-08-09T12:34:18.653-07:00Moving to Arizona & Looking into AdoptionLife update: we’ve moved to Arizona! It’s been exactly one week since we arrived and the only building that I can confidently locate is the library. So here I am. It is 99 degrees outside and I am wearing a sweater, surrounded by books and strangers, and my most prized possession is my library card. Not much has changed.<br />
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Jk begins classes for <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/05/infertility-from-my-husbands-point-of.html" target="_blank">graduate school</a> next week but has already started spending his mornings on campus. He has a job as a research assistant so he gets his own cubicle and a brand new computer to work on. I plan on working just as soon as I can find a job. It is currently my dream to be a stay-at-home mom, but someone told me you need kids for that! We’re working on it. (More on that in a minute.) We are currently living with Jk’s parents, who are so sweet to let us invade their space for a little while. The plan moving forward is threefold: I need a job; we need to figure out our future family situation; and then we can decide on a more permanent living situation.<br />
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Speaking of our future family situation… I know, I know—the big question is, <i>What happened to <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/in-vitro-fertilization-and-insurance.html" target="_blank">IVF</a>?</i> Well, a few things happened. First: finances. Before our move, I had better health insurance than I do now. (Eyeroll! I hope this is the last thing I ever write about insurance!) If we were going to do IVF, we needed a lot of financial support to help cover the costs of the procedure and medicines. As it turned out, our insurance provider didn’t cover our issue (abnormal male sperm stuff) so it didn’t matter if I kept my job with the good coverage or not. We just couldn’t afford the cost of IVF on our own. <br />
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Second: exhaustion. We went to about 17 <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-surprise-call-from-fertility-doctor.html" target="_blank">doctor’s appointments</a>, all related to infertility, finding answers, and convincing insurance that we deserved coverage. I had many invasive and uncomfortable procedures, had a lot of blood drawn, and took a lot of time off work. By the end, I was exhausted. And that’s not to say that it wouldn’t have been worth it or that we aren’t willing to try again in the future. But mentally, physically, and financially, we needed a break.<br />
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So what is next in the pursuit of a family? <b>We want to adopt! </b><br />
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The day after we arrived in Arizona, we (literally) drove through a monsoon to attend an information meeting about foster care and adoption. Soaking wet, we sat in this little classroom in a Methodist church and listened to a presentation about things like agencies, licenses, and possibilities. We learned that children in the foster care system are usually there because of some sort of neglect or abuse. The Arizona Department of Child Safety provides these children with a safe place to stay (via foster care) while ultimately working toward returning the children to their birth families. When this isn’t possible, the Department considers adoption as an alternative. <br />
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As we drove home (accompanied by a real double rainbow—I swear to Blog!), Jk and I talked about our thoughts and impressions. We discussed that ultimately we aren’t in a place to be foster parents right now but that we’d love to be a resource for children in the foster care system. Together we decided that what we really want is to pursue private adoption. We are hoping to be involved with a process that is more voluntary. And above all, we are hoping to find a child we can fawn over and learn from, all while being in love. WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-46897508295221461082017-07-06T14:41:00.000-07:002017-07-06T14:58:22.688-07:00Deciding Whether or Not to Take the Pregnancy TestEvery month, it is clear that I am not pregnant. The sign comes as expected<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 15.6933px;">—</span>on time and no room for interpretation. But every now and then, it is slow to come, throwing a wrench in things. This is when infertility is especially difficult for me… when I need to decide whether or not to take a pregnancy test.<br />
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I know that the odds of getting pregnant are extremely low. I also know that it <i><b>is </b></i>possible for us to get pregnant. These two polar opposite truths gnaw at me, telling me that there is hope but only the tiniest bit.<br />
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In January, I wrote a blog post about <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/01/testing-testing-123.html" target="_blank">the first pregnancy test</a> that I took. After getting a negative result, I made the definitive decision to forget about tests and wait for the obvious sign that will inevitably come. It is logical and effective to just wait it out. Still, every time there’s the possibility of pregnancy, the thought runs through my head, “To test or not to test…”<br />
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There have only been two or three times in the last year and a half that I have been expecting a sign that has not come right away. Recently, I went five days in the dark. Against my better judgement, I began to daydream that my miracle had finally come. I reserved half of my heart for disappointment; but the other half, I let beat fiercely and unrealistically and beautifully. <br />
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I imagined how I might cleverly surprise my husband. I fantasized what it might be like to feel my belly swell, stretching beyond my jeans. I thought of a hospital scene straight out of <i>Friends</i>. I barely let myself dream of holding a little one that was all ours. <br />
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On the fourth day of darkness, I began to pray and plead for Heavenly Father to give me a sign. To be honest, I’m <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/our-infertility-journey.html" target="_blank">struggling with prayers</a> these days. What is the point in praying for something if it isn’t God’s plan to give it to you? Maybe it is faith-promoting after your prayers have been answered. In the meantime, it’s exhausting. What happens if your prayer is never answered? Then what?<br />
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It was both torture and a tender mercy when God gave me a sign. No pregnancy test needed. WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-62245346075912685392017-06-26T07:00:00.000-07:002017-06-26T14:23:54.927-07:00Animals in the AtticI’m just going to say right now that I think Heavenly Father gets extra creative when writing the screenplay of my life. Things are going along as expected and He’s like,<i> Too normal</i>... That’s when I find wild animals in my house. Cue gongshow. <br />
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While Being in Love, Adventure #2<br />
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About a month ago, my mom was visiting from out of town. For a few days while she was here, Jk was in Arizona, so it was just mum and me. One night, I came back from work, walked in the door, and was overwhelmed with the amount of noise blaring from every corner of the house. This was in May, before we made the decision to turn our AC on, so all of the windows were open. I could hear dogs barking, music blasting, and lawnmowers mowing. But above all that, I could hear the sound of an animal cooing. My mom was just chilling on the couch, drowning out the noise.<br />
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Me: What is that?<br />
Mom: What is what?<br />
Me: That animal sound.<br />
Mom: It’s so loud in here, I didn’t notice. <br />
Me: You didn’t notice?<br />
Mom: I think it’s a bird outside.<br />
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I followed the sound to the ceiling in our main hallway and there it was. The sound of a wild animal not only cooing like a maniac, but also <i>scratching </i>on our attic door. Terrifying.<br />
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Jk and I have a few things stored in the attic and all I could picture was a band of animals running wild, pillaging our boxes, destroying everything. We couldn’t tell if the sound was actually a bird or if it might be a chipmunk or a raccoon or something. There was no way that I was going to open that attic door and risk having an animal of any kind fall on my face. So I called Jk in Arizona.<br />
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After explaining the situation, he told me to call the Police. (Side note: Jk loves calling the Police. It’s like, any semi-urgent situation or community disturbance, he wants to call up his buddies at the station.) I was so surprised. “Call the Police?!” I asked. He told me they could send Animal Control. That made sense to me. Long story short, a guy from Animal Control came to the house, listened at the attic door, and told me that he thought we had <b>raccoons</b>. S<i>cratch scratch scratch, cooooo</i>. He suggested two things that we could do: set raccoon traps or open the attic door and see. <br />
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I’ve seen Elf. The scene with the raccoon on Will Ferrell’s head? Not happening. I would never in one million years be the one to open that door. My mom and I stood at a safe distance while the man slowly and cautiously pulled the door open and climbed the ladder up to the attic. <br />
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He turned on his flashlight, walked around a bit, then announced, “There are birds up here.” Baby birds, <i>sigh of relief</i>, not raccoons. Apparently a mama bird had gotten into the attic through a hole in the roof and set up house. Unfortunately in the heat of the day, she must have gotten dehydrated or something, because the Animal Control guy found her dead body. We stood below while he scavenged the attic, gathering up the baby birds and placing them in a bucket. Shortly after, he descended the ladder and walked out the door, bucket and baby birds in tow. Just as abruptly as it began, it was over.<br />
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And I was reminded that when my husband isn't there, my mom will always be a good partner in crime.<br />
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-53770970314400636682017-06-22T07:00:00.000-07:002017-06-22T07:00:19.676-07:00Grandpas Say the Darndest ThingsThe past few days have been a blur of bittersweet exhaustion and celebration. Last week, my husband’s grandfather passed away at the age of 90. We love Grandpa Westphal and we already miss his charming personality and amazing sense of humor. Every night has been a late night, spent with Jk’s parents and siblings from out-of-town. We’ve spent a lot of time at Grandpa’s house with everyone, looking at old pictures, playing games, and celebrating the life and legacy of a wonderful man.<br />
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In my family, I never spent very much time with my father’s parents before they passed away. My mother’s parents are still alive and are some of the sweetest people I’ll ever know, but they live all the way across the country. The past few years knowing Jk, I’ve been blessed to observe the sweet relationship he had with his grandfather. I warmed up to Grandpa Westphal immediately. He was friendly, generous, and welcomed me into the family right away. He was witty and straightforward, always speaking his mind and making us laugh. Like the time Jk wore a backwards baseball cap and Grandpa said, “Idiots these days don’t know how to wear a hat!” I was on the floor laughing. <br />
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One of my favorite things about Grandpa Westphal was his resilience. Back in April, Grandpa was in the hospital for a few weeks. The doctors discovered cancer in his brain and his lungs, so they needed to perform several tests and Grandpa wasn’t strong enough to return home yet. When we found out where he was staying, Jk called Grandpa’s hospital room and we were surprised to hear Grandpa’s voice answer the phone. “What’s up?” Grandpa asked, as if it were a normal day and we called to make small talk. He always had the best attitude, even when lying in a hospital bed. <br />
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Though he was visited by family, friends, and neighbors, the hospital was not where Grandpa wanted to be. He wanted to be back in his familiar home, dressing himself, shaving his own face, and taking walks around the block. In his own words he said, “I gotta get out of here and terrorize the neighborhood.” Grandpa was hilarious, strong, and independent. <br />
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His health was a roller coaster during those weeks, improving and declining every few days. All throughout his stay in the hospital, Grandpa was willing to work with the hospital staff, trusting their counsel and instructions. Nobody was more relieved than Grandpa when his health improved enough that he was released from the hospital and he was able to return home. </div>
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For the next few weeks, Jk’s parents stayed with Grandpa, working alongside Jk’s aunts and extended family to ensure that Grandpa was well taken care of. He was eager to get back to his everyday life and expressed frustration about all the fuss. All the while, his daughters did an amazing job balancing freedom and discipline. His house remained a place for family to gather, talk and laugh, and play games. There were certain quirks that I came to expect when visiting Grandpa: the kitchen television was blasting the news; the temperature in the basement was freezing; the refrigerator was filled to the brim with food; and Grandpa was always happy to see us. <br />
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He told sweet stories about his beautiful wife, who I never had the privilege to meet but know he was reunited with beyond the veil. He gave words of wisdom including the famous advice, “Don’t peel an orange!” (given shortly after suffering from a seizure mid-orange-peeling). He bought us our favorite wedding gift—a camping tent that we use often and think of him when we do. Goodness knows that Grandpa Westphal will be missed. </div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-35140224523439618112017-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:002017-06-26T11:02:06.457-07:00In Contempt of Court: While Being in LoveAlmost 3 years ago, Jk and I were engaged and planning for a wedding. We were constantly making lists: wedding planning checklists, an engagement registry, a guest list. On one particularly boring list of things-to-do, I wrote at the top something like,“To Do #WhileBeingInLove”. At the time it was a joke, but ultimately that hashtag became the mantra for our marriage. We decided early on that whether life was tedious, ridiculous, or difficult, we would do it all while being in love.<br />
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This summer has been absolutely wonderful and totally wild for us. Never before have we had so many adventures and faced so many unknowns. Since easing off social media, I haven’t had the opportunity to share some of those experiences that have made me so grateful for that mantra we began years ago. I thought it would be fun to gather our stories together and feature them as a series of blog posts. Consider this the first in a list of Crazy Summer Things That Have Happened to Us (While Being in Love). <br />
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Story #1: In Contempt of Court</div>
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The shortest version of this story is that I had a warrant out for my arrest. The true story is this:<br />
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I opened a letter summoning me for Jury Duty on Thursday, went out of town on Friday, and revisited my mail on Monday. I sat at my work desk filling out the questionnaire that came with my summons and suddenly I realized that the court date on the letter was the current date on the calendar. It was 1:30 in the afternoon and the case I was assigned to had started about 5 hours earlier. I knew that I had been summoned for Jury Duty, but I didn’t realize that the case would begin 4 days from when I opened the envelope! </div>
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Have you ever known that you should be frantic but you just feel so calm? I sat at my desk for a while cross-referencing my jury summons and the calendar. It didn’t take long to accept that I probably missed the case all-together. I had no idea how to repair the damage; I figured I would just stay at work and await the consequences… Luckily, a few coworkers convinced me that this was a crazy idea and urged me to drive to the courthouse to explain the mix-up. Not ten minutes later, I was rushing to the courthouse, calling my husband and asking if he would bail me out of jail. </div>
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After going through security, I was told to sit and wait for an opportunity to speak with the judge. I sat there for half an hour, preparing myself for a private conversation out in the hall or maybe an invitation into the judge’s office (my courtroom perception was completely inaccurate thanks to television)! In the most embarrassing moment of my life, the judge came out onto the stand, announced that there was a juror who had failed to report for duty, and asked me to come forward to the podium. Like a dope, I stood in front of the judge, lawyers, and the entire court, and spoke into the microphone, explaining that it was simply an accident. </div>
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Ever so kindly (sarcasm here, folks), the judge warned me that the consequences for missing my duties could include appearing at my own court case and being held in contempt of the Jury Selection Act, paying a huge fine, and three days of imprisonment. I felt both important (hello—I had the attention of the whole room!) and also extremely childish, standing there waiting for my punishment. In the end, she abruptly told me that I needed to check my mail more often and dismissed me because I had shown up after all. I made out like a bandit. <br />
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Jk felt worse about the fact that I missed out on Jury Duty than he did about me being a criminal. He knew that I had always wanted to serve Jury Duty and we were both bummed about the mix-up. In all seriousness, if you ever get summoned for Jury Duty, put it into your calendar right away and get your hiney to court on time. </div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-87356573071348834832017-06-09T08:00:00.000-07:002017-06-09T13:58:07.589-07:00Straying Away from Social Media<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was in an elevator, riding up two floors to get to my dentist’s office. Also in the elevator, stood a mother holding her young daughter, surrounded by 3 kids. One of the little girls looked up at me and said, “Hi!” Immediately her little sister (being held by their mother) lit up and said, “Hi!” The big mushy heart inside me melted all over the place and I was reminded, <i>I want! </i><br />
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Dealing with infertility is this really strange balancing act of wanting to be surrounded by children and pregnant women; and at the same time, not wanting to be reminded of a hole in my life. I think that kids are hilarious and babies are perfect and I love being around them. Pregnant women are interesting and their bodies are miraculous and I am fascinated every time I see them. But to be honest, I feel kind of traumatized when I consider the fact that I might never experience pregnancy. My now 26-year-old body could go an entire lifetime and never make a baby—that’s crazy. And depressing. <br />
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I used to look at social media every day. Wake up, take a minute to check notifications; scroll through pictures during slow times at work; whatever. One morning, I saw a pregnancy announcement from a woman who I didn’t know but loved her pictures. She has a husband and two beautiful children and they live in the woods, posting magical pictures of catching sap from trees and making recipes from wild mushrooms. Obviously our lives are very different. Anyway, that morning it hit me that this woman and her husband had gotten pregnant, had a baby, and were expecting again—all before we ever had a hint of starting a family. <br />
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They get one, two, THREE babies and we still have zero zero zero. The injustice took my breath away. Almost immediately, I decided that I would stray away from social media. <br />
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It’s hard to put my finger on an exact reason and it’s even more difficult to say exactly how I’ve changed in the month since I’ve stopped <a href="https://medium.com/@azjkjensen/relieving-my-notifications-of-duty-aae8fdbdbbae" target="_blank">checking my notifications</a>. But things feel noticeably different! Without any prompting, my husband told me he noticed a change in me; that somehow I seem more happy. I’ve replaced mindless social media time with meaningful scripture study, Duolingo practice (26 day streak for French!), and a little too much Netflix binging (I’m watching The Office for the first time and Jim & Pam drive me all kinds of crazy). <br />
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Life without social media is amazing. My co-worker will show me a funny internet thing and actually get to feel the satisfaction of showing someone who hasn’t seen it already. Everyone around me gets to share world news with me like I’m some kind of outcast martian, <i>which I love</i>. And my husband gives me the most important information anyway! It's great.<br />
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I was never super addicted to my phone or the computer. I didn't need a New Year's resolution to change my habits. In fact, I haven't even set a specific goal as to how long or how intense my social media fast should be. All I know is that in general, I <b>feel better</b>. My brain is less distracted, I am more productive, and I can focus on the good things happening in my life. </div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-50059635001670127312017-05-24T07:00:00.000-07:002017-05-24T12:10:33.505-07:00Infertility from My Husband's Point of View<div class="m_3793027276536884242inbox-inbox-p1" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
Let me start by stating this fact: I have zero skill when it comes to expressing my feelings. I write about technical things (and trust me, I get real passionate about them), but I feel like a dummy when I try to demonstrate my emotions with words. Bear with me as I try.<span class="m_3793027276536884242inbox-inbox-Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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With that disclaimer, let’s get started.</div>
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I grew up the youngest in a family of four. If you ask my siblings or my parents, I was spoiled. I don’t deny it. My life was… cushy. And I think that’s what gave me this impression that my family’s life would be similar. Please note here that I’m not attempting to throw a self-induced pity party or encourage harsh judgement. I’m trying to be open.<span class="m_3793027276536884242inbox-inbox-Apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
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As recently as two years ago I imagined our future family as large. I imagined that we would have lots of kids, a full house, and lots of food. I had never even considered the possibility of infertility. I don’t think I even knew that infertility existed*. I assumed that when we made the decision to have children, we could have children. After all, as Ariel puts it so elegantly, “Sixteen-year-olds get pregnant without trying! And all they eat is Cheetos!” So very many couples are able to spontaneously conceive, even in seemingly impossible circumstances. So yes, I expected it to be easy. But after trying and not succeeding, the harsh reality of infertility crept into our lives day by day.</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Ariel expressed some concerns a few months in but I justified the time as normal. Since conception is such a game of statistics I wasn’t convinced that we weren’t just outliers and very unlucky. I tend toward obliviousness, while Ariel is a realist. But we held out. We were patient. We kept trying.</span></div>
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We decided to continue to live our lives. Ariel was getting established into a new job and I was viciously striving to increase my GPA so I could gain entry to graduate school. As time passed though, we began to long for a different future.<span class="m_3793027276536884242inbox-inbox-Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Flash-forward to today. We are currently 17 doctor’s appointments into the year, and looking back, not much has changed. Now we know that there is almost no chance of spontaneous conception, and we are eager to begin moving toward adoption. But nonetheless, we are left childless. This is a real trial for us, but we don’t let it stop our lives.<span class="m_3793027276536884242inbox-inbox-Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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We look forward with hope. There are so many wonderful things in our lives, and we are happy to share this adventure and this trial with each other. And we continue to press forward taking baby names, family travel plans, and bedtime stories in tow, waiting for our turn.</div>
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*Why isn’t infertility mentioned in Sex Ed? It should be mentioned in Sex Ed.<br />
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-18596666078180855882017-05-04T07:00:00.000-07:002017-05-04T11:32:26.036-07:00Another Rejection in Infertility<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Man alive, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. In March, we were given hope that our insurance company might change their minds and give us the opportunity to do IVF. Since then, everyone’s been asking for an update and we’ve been like,<i> Join the club!</i></div>
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During the <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-surprise-call-from-fertility-doctor.html" target="_blank">surprise call </a>from our fertility doctor, we were given some instructions for how we could move forward while we waited to hear back. First, Jk would need to do another sperm test to prove that the first one wasn’t a spoof. He would then need to meet with a urologist, or male fertility doctor, to analyze the results. Our fertility doctor and the urologist would work together to appeal the rejection from our insurance company.<br />
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So over the weeks, we spent way too much time in doctor’s offices. I met with a female reproductive doctor for an exam to be sure that if we got approved, my body would be good to go. That visit led to more blood tests (always), but eventually I got the thumbs up.<br />
<br />
Jk went alone to a few more tests and then together we met with the male reproductive doctor. We learned that Jk’s results consistently indicated <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/male-infertility/expert-answers/sperm-morphology/faq-20057760" target="_blank">abnormal sperm morpholog</a>y (or shape) and suuuper <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/low-sperm-count/basics/definition/con-20033441" target="_blank">low sperm count</a>. Translation: having an abnormal shape could prevent his sperm from ever reaching my eggs; with the slim chance that they ever did make it there, low sperm count would decrease the odds of the eggs getting fertilized. Basically, our odds of getting pregnant naturally are *thumbs down*.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, the doctors believed that Jk’s tests results would provide a very compelling argument to our insurance company that we should qualify for IVF. We waited, waited, and waited some more. We heard nothing. I knew eventually we would get results, but my patience grew thin. When I reached my breaking point, we called and asked for an update. We were told that our insurance company had ONE employee in charge of making the fertility decisions and she was out of town. <i>Hope you had fun in Cabo, Carol! </i><br />
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Finally, on a Monday morning while I was working, I missed several calls from the fertility doctor. I knew he was calling with results. All at once, I felt hopeful and nervous and terrified. I just wanted an answer, no matter what the results were. However, I was working alone and couldn’t get away from the desk long enough to have a conversation, so I had my husband call the doctor back. A few minutes later, I got a text from Jk: <i>Okay I talked to him. Basically [our insurance] does not take motility into account when considering infertility, which is not in line with other insurance companies. So [our doctor] and the doctor that performs the semen analysis are working together to appeal to change their policy. </i><br />
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Another rejection.<br />
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Some people say that infertility is an<a href="https://www.babycenter.com/0_the-emotional-impact-of-fertility-problems_3933.bc" target="_blank"> emotional roller coaster</a>—there are highs and there are lows. After this last month, what I’ve come to realize is that the highs are more like less-shallow <i>lows</i>. Even while waiting for good news, I was put through the wringer: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I was poked and prodded by nurses; worked longer hours to make up for time lost at doctor’s appointments; I endured baby announcements and tolerated comments about how much time we have left. In terms of infertility, my <i>high</i> was a month and a half of waiting and anticipating another low. I’m not saying that I didn’t take time to relax, laugh, or have fun—I definitely did. I spent time with family and friends. I celebrated birthdays and graduations and I felt genuine joy. I guess what I am trying to stress is that enduring infertility isn’t all about that moment when you are guaranteed to have a baby. For me, it’s about the 99%-of-the-time struggle knowing it just isn’t time yet. In the midst of a hundred lows and highs, I am doing my best to not let one aspect of my life cripple me. I am trying to hard to “count it all joy” (James 1:2).</div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-88812263280837709682017-04-25T08:00:00.000-07:002017-04-25T10:43:43.741-07:00What I Think You Should Know About InfertilityThis week is <a href="https://infertilityawareness.org/">National Infertility Awareness</a> week, so naturally I wanted to bring some awareness to what Jk and I have been going through. When I get an idea for writing, it lingers in the back of my mind. Festering and combining itself into words, concepts, and strings of thoughts until finally it is ready to come out. These thoughts happened to form at 3:30 in the morning while I was sound asleep. Like an alarm they rang and demanded my attention until I put aside sleep and typed them into the notepad of my phone. As a side note–why are phone lights so blazingly bright in the dark? Huge apologies to my husband. <br />
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I don’t claim to be an expert. All I know is what I’ve experienced, what has been shared with me, and what I’ve read online (always a solid argument). Here are some questions I’ve been asked about infertility and what I think you should know:<br />
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<b><b>Who is affected by infertility?</b></b><br />
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According to what I've read, one in 8 couples experience infertility. Since<a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/coming-out-of-infertility-closet.html"> coming out of the infertility closet</a>, I've been contacted by several strangers informing me of what they are going through, but even more surprising have been the messages from couples my husband or I have known for years. These are couples who have had experience with PCOS, miscarriage, infertility not yet diagnosed, endometriosis, infertility linked to health problems, some abnormality of the male or the woman's reproductive system. Every variety and combination of factors that have forever branded them with the heartache of infertility.</div>
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People from all facets of my life have shared their stories with me: grown women I knew from my childhood, successful women my age, girls I knew from my days in Young Women's. There is a good chance that several people you know have experienced or will experience infertility.<br />
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<b>How can an infertile couple have children?</b></div>
In the past I thought that fertility was something that you had or didn’t have. Like the best representation of infertility was a fragile woman in the Bible with an empty womb whose body was entirely unable to carry a child. It turns out that infertility has various degrees of severity and and not just among women. In our case, I am able to have children, but my husband has low sperm count & morphology. This doesn't entirely rule out the chances of pregnancy, but it significantly lowers the probability. It seems that the case with most couples is that they are not entirely 100% infertile, but the odds are not in their favor to conceive without some assistance. <br />
<br />
These varying degrees of infertility are why you hear about a singular family with children conceived in different ways: conceived naturally, through IUI or IVF, and/or received through adoption. If a couple wants many children but does not want to wait years, they might go through a procedure for one child and adopt another. And this is my dream for our future: children brought to us from all avenues, if possible. There are so many ways to create a family. <br />
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I was most surprised to receive messages about the infertility from couples who had children. Without insight into their personal lives, it seemed they had effortlessly conceived; when in reality, they had endured months of trying with no success, doctor's appointments, and other trials I was completely unaware of. While many of those who message us have struggled and come out the other side of infertility, several are still in the midst of their trials. <br />
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<b>How can you know if you will be infertile? </b></div>
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As far as I can tell, there are a variety of ways in which individuals and couples have found out that they struggle with infertility. I have heard a few stories where the woman knew before ever getting married that she would have difficulty getting pregnant. In some cases she has been told by a doctor, in others she is just aware that her health may result in complications. Women can be affected by things like PCOS, endometriosis, weird chromosomes, Lyme disease, and so much more. However, sometimes the couple has no idea that they will suffer with infertility until they have been trying for several months with no success. This is how it happened for us. After a few months, I began to worry there was a reason we weren't getting pregnant, but I wanted to be patient. The months dragged on as we <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/01/expecting-to-be-expecting.html">expected to be expecting</a>. At 10 months, I knew that something was wrong, despite being told by an infertility doctor that we needed to give it more time. When we finally reached our year mark, we needed to find answers. <br />
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<b>Why is infertility such a big deal?</b></div>
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Infertility is capable of <a href="http://natural-fertility-info.com/infertility-grief.html">inflicting grief</a> just as any traumatic event might. I've been told that infertility cannot be as difficult as losing a child or never marrying. Maybe that is true. But maybe that’s not the point. All I know is the feeling that comes after 486 days of weeping and pleading with God to give you a baby only to find that you are still empty. All I know is the impossible trial of digging deep within yourself to find joy for couple after couple who rejoices in pregnancy while you are still made to wait. And I know the grief that infects your mind in perfectly ordinary moments of everyday life, causing you to break down crying in the shower (or wake up in the middle of the night to write a blog post). I don't know much about child loss or life without a spouse–but I do know about heartbreak that beats on you until you can't breathe. <br />
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<b>At the end of the day, what do you say to someone going through infertility?</b> </div>
Hint: It’s not "Be patient" or "Keep trying" (even if those things are true). I recently came across <a href="https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards/products/awkward-sympathy-card">Emily McDowell Studio</a>, a company that makes empathy cards with honest tag lines for difficult situations. I love the idea that even if you don't know what to say, you can say something. Personally, what helps me is knowing that someone is there for me. I don’t expect advice (in fact, oftentimes advice comes across as wildly insensitive); I think most people struggling with infertility just want to feel validated and supported. I love what the prophet Alma said about followers of Christ; they should be “willing to mourn with those that mourn [...] and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/18.8">Mosiah 18:8</a>). Infertility is no exception.<br />
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Here are some suggestions for what you can say to comfort someone struggling with infertility: <br />
I am here for you.<br />
I am thinking of you.<br />
I am sorry for what you are going through.<br />
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Even if infertility is something that you will never experience, there’s a chance someone you know will be affected by it. Know that infertility is real and not an overreaction. Be sensitive in what you say. And to those struggling with infertility, know that you are not alone.</div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-84063497022131498122017-04-17T07:00:00.000-07:002017-04-17T12:51:37.205-07:00I Can't Put My Life on Hold for Infertility<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I realized that I’ve been silent on the blog
for almost a month. Since the <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-surprise-call-from-fertility-doctor.html" target="_blank">unexpected call</a> from our fertility doctor, we’ve
taken just as many steps forward as we have back. Mostly we’ve been in limbo
(and it’s hard to send a postcard from limbo). We’re not sure yet what’s next<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;">—</span>everything
could change or it could all stay the same. The great paradox of infertility is
that you can always expect uncertainty. The challenge comes in stepping away
and finding other things to occupy your mind. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In January, after long <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-one-with-fertility-doctor.html" target="_blank">months of waiting</a> to reach the
year mark of infertility, I decided that I needed to get involved with
activities that didn’t include worrying. In fact, I wanted to fill my schedule
with all things stress-free! Fun, relaxing, life-enriching activities. Anxiety
was inevitable; grief was unavoidable. I knew that I needed to counter-balance
darkness with light. And so came Yoga, Pilates, and the temple. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As a university employee, I took advantage of free tuition
and enrolled in two student activities classes. I dusted off my Yoga mat,
bought some stretchy pants, and gave my husband the googly eyes. Together, we
committed 4 nights a week to improving our health. It didn’t take long to feel
the effects (i.e. the amazing double-edged sword of sore muscles!). Taking just
an hour each day to concentrate on my mind, body, and spirit was the best
stress relief. It’s hard to feel anxious when all of your energy is focused on
relaxation, centering, and breathing. It was also really fun to see my husband roll around on a giant exercise ball!<o:p></o:p><br />
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In addition to physical health, I knew that I needed to do
something to strengthen myself spiritually. It’s not that I stopped praying or
studying my scriptures, but I was finding it hard to focus on my blessings when
my misfortunes were so apparent. Months of waiting on insurance and test
results put a weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t lift alone. I talked to my
bishop about volunteering to be a <a href="https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-we-build-temples?lang=eng" target="_blank">temple worker </a>and shortly after, I started in
the Provo City Center Temple. Every Friday night, I spent hours interacting
with people in every stage of life, sharing the Spirit of the temple.
Serving in the temple is a huge sacrifice of time and energy, but at the end of
every shift, I felt the Savior give me enough strength to carry my burdens
another week. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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With all of that said, I still thought about our infertility every day. No matter how many hobbies I pick up or ways that I find to improve myself, babies will continue to be in the back of my mind. We are still waiting to hear back from the fertility
clinic about whether or not our insurance company <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/in-vitro-fertilization-and-insurance.html" target="_blank">changed their minds</a>. Their
decision 1) could lead straight to IVF or 2) could defer us another few months
before we reevaluate a new plan for our family. It is driving me crazy not knowing what comes next<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">, b</span></span>ut worrying won't bring answers. I can’t put my life on hold for infertility.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-24766501468561492842017-03-23T15:00:00.000-07:002017-03-23T15:48:50.964-07:00A Surprise Call from the Fertility DoctorMost days, I do okay. But some days I'm just over this infertility thing. For a few months now, we have shared our ups and downs and it wasn’t until recently that I ran out of words. Two weeks ago, we received a phone call and then a letter confirming that our insurance provider <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/in-vitro-fertilization-and-insurance.html" target="_blank">would not pay</a> for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I took the news, swallowed it, and let it break my heart. I get that we were put on this earth to grow and all, but lately my prayers have been a little like: <i>Thanks but no thanks, Heavenly Father. I think I’m good on the growing thing. </i><br />
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Today He responded, <i>Nope</i>, and sent another bump in the road. <br />
<br />
I was sitting at work when my cell phone started vibrating and my caller ID read, <i>Reproductive Care Center</i>. It’s been a few weeks since we talked with our fertility clinic; I just assumed that because our plan fell through, there was nothing else to follow-up on. Curious, I answered the phone and expected to hear the voice of a nurse or receptionist. Instead, I spoke with our fertility doctor.<br />
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He apologized for the outcome of the insurance request and told me that it had honestly surprised him. He was calling to let me know that he had written a letter of appeal and had heard back from our provider—their response was positive! He said that they are willing to approve the procedure if we can provide some compelling documentation. Our next step is for Jk to meet with a <a href="http://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-a-urologist#Overview1" target="_blank">urologist</a> (male fertility doctor) and to basically get a doctor’s note saying that neither medicine nor surgery will solve the problem. Out of the blue, IVF is back on the table!<br />
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I just want to take a minute to say that I was so impressed that our doctor had taken the time to call me. That’s just the kind of guy he is. He even gave me his personal phone number! Even if all of this doesn’t work out, I will forever be grateful for the compassion and care we have received from this doctor. <br />
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So here we are again, back on the cusp of everything or nothing. This journey hasn’t been smooth and it definitely hasn’t been easy. But I can promise you that every single time I am ready to give up, the Lord has shown me mercy. Just when I think every ounce of my faith is used up, He sends me hope. Over and over, I am learning to trust that He will guide me in this journey that at times can be terribly difficult and dark.<br />
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“Assurance and hope make it possible for us to walk to the edge of the light and take a few steps into the darkness—expecting and trusting the light to move and illuminate the way.” - <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/09/seek-learning-by-faith?lang=eng" target="_blank">Elder David A. Bednar</a></div>
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WhileBeingInLovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10777918592230197508noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3701647100122556489.post-45687594256086587532017-03-10T08:00:00.000-08:002017-03-10T15:00:02.593-08:00Feeling Awkward About InfertilityRecently I was asked the question, "How can infertility feel embarrassing?" Surprisingly, I didn’t know how to answer; I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was<a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/01/expecting-to-be-expecting.html" target="_blank"> just a few months ago</a> that I was keeping such a significant part of my life secret. Like many couples suffering with infertility, I thought that my husband and I would keep it to ourselves until we had “success” with pregnancy. But now, after being so open about our infertility journey, I'm thinking more about that question. <i>How can infertility feel embarrassing, awkward, or totally taboo? </i>Here’s what I came up with. <br />
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<b>One: This doesn’t feel like my story.</b> </div>
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I remember the first conversation Jk and I ever had about children. It was summer, bright and hot outside; we sat on the street underneath a shady tree while we sipped slurpees. We were dating and I was hungry to know every detail about his beautiful soul. We curiously asked each other questions for hours, back and forth. Hesitant and wide-eyed, Jk asked me how many children I wanted. We hadn’t talked about love or marriage so the question hung heavy between us. Children. Each of us might have children some day. Maybe even together.<br />
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That memory feels fragile and sacred to me now. As I talked with my blue-tongued boyfriend that day, I had no inclination that we would ever suffer from infertility. Babies felt far off, but certainly not unattainable. I guess that’s why I say that this doesn’t feel like my story. <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-follow-up-fertility-appointment.html" target="_blank">Fertility appointments</a>, blog posts, and<a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/03/in-vitro-fertilization-and-insurance.html" target="_blank"> IVF needles</a> never crossed my mind. And as silly as it sounds, I’ve found myself feeling embarrassed that it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. <br />
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Over time, I’ve come to accept infertility as just another part of my life. Every person deals with unique challenges and this is mine. I can’t wish it away and I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. But I can make the best of it. I can share my ups-and-downs and I can soak up every last drop of this good life that God has given me.<br />
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<b>Two: Infertility can put me in an awkward place with other women, especially mothers. </b></div>
I have so many girl friends who I love and adore, but I’ll be honest...Infertility can feel isolating. For women who have never experienced infertility, I understand that it can feel impossible to find the right words to comfort a friend. For those who are expecting or who are already mothers, maybe you feel guilty that it has worked out for you and not someone you love. Infertility can feel like an awkward barrier sometimes.<br />
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I recently had a really good friend tell me that she and her husband are trying to get pregnant. I didn’t feel awkward or envious. In every corner of my heart, I genuinely wished her success and happiness! Speaking from the perspective of someone suffering with infertility, I’ll admit that I’ve felt the jealous knee-jerk reaction at seeing a pregnancy announcement. But just because I want a baby doesn’t mean that I don’t want anyone else to have one. You do you.<br />
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What I hope above all else is that women in every stage of life can find a way to strengthen and uplift each other. If you feel awkward about infertility, find another way to connect. Please please do not use isolation or avoidance to cope with differences. Surely we can find a way to love and appreciate one another. <br />
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<b>Three: People just get weird when you talk about sex.</b> </div>
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I asked my husband why he thought infertility could be an awkward or taboo topic and that’s what he said… “People just get weird when you talk about sex.” Well, there you go! Most (normal) couples don’t go around talking about their reproductive health. I’ll be the first to admit that opening up about birth control, sperm count, and <a href="http://whilebeinginlove.blogspot.com/2017/02/fertility-testing-valium-and-worst-pain.html" target="_blank">balloons in your belly</a> can be totally awkward! (Especially when your mom, bishop, and brother are following your blog. Hi guys!) <br />
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What I’m trying to say is that <i>infertility </i>seems taboo because <i>fertility </i>is taboo. For many, conceiving a child is sensitive and private. These are the same individuals who believe that <i>not </i>conceiving a child should be just as private. To each his own. <br />
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Despite how you feel about privacy, modesty, and babies, I have found that for my husband and I, talking about our infertility journey has been the best thing ever. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it now, this kind of openness isn’t for everybody. We’ve found that for us, it’s the easiest way to tell our friends and family what we are going through. I’ve been able to access more information and connect with more women than ever before. I have awkward questions, but it is such a blessing to get answers from friends who have been through what I’m going through! <br />
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So yes<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">—</span>infertility can be uncomfortable and embarrassing, but so can a lot of other things! If I had waited until we had “success” to tell our story, I would still be silent today. I would spend months waiting and worrying alone. But instead, I have friends supporting me, strangers sharing their stories with me, and a whole community encouraging me to stay strong. Awkward or not, I’m embracing this infertility journey that is ours. </div>
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Afterword:</div>
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Every man, woman, or couple experiences infertility differently. Wanting to acknowledge the unique challenges that others face, I asked the members of an online IVF-Support Group, <i>How can infertility FEEL embarrassing? </i>Their answers were inspiring, heartbreaking, and gave me all the feels. Here is a look at what just a few of them said:<br />
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<b>I don’t feel accepted in my religion or culture. </b></div>
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- “We're Catholic and our religion is against it so we don't tell many people because I don't want to deal with the comments.”<br />
- “It's embarrassing because in most South African or African Cultures and societies a woman is always the one to blame for infertility within a marriage and you get called hurtful names.”<br />
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<b>I don’t want advice, questions, or feedback from others.</b></div>
- “People just are not educated about infertility. They make ignorant statements not to be cruel, but because they don’t understand.”<br />
- “Get on board and be supportive or move along.”<br />
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<b>Infertility makes my husband feel like less of a man/makes me feel like less of a woman. </b></div>
- “A majority of the time I’m fine about it, open and frank with people. But, if I’m being honest, deep down I feel like less of a woman. Like a defective woman. I don’t talk about it with anyone. No one says or does anything to make me feel this way, but...there it is.”<br />
- “I was embarrassed because I felt like I had failed as a woman and a wife and that I was letting people down because of it.”<br />
- “I think infertility has made me feel like less of a woman, like I can’t just do the one big thing a woman is designed to do.”<br />
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<b>I’m not embarrassed anymore. </b></div>
- “I'm much more open about it now. I didn't want this, but this is my life, so why should I have to hide that when it's such a big part of my life?”</div>
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